Sky's daytime channels to stop broadcasting regular shows from next month

Sky has announced the ending of regular programming on its daytime channels from the start of next month.

Instead, they will show wall-to-wall adverts for funeral plans mixed with others featuring pointless gadgets for that drawer in your kitchen that's specially reserved for unused useless stuff - old washers, odd chopsticks and the pack of playing cards you take away on holiday, despite it only having 51 cards.

Trevor Harper, a channel spokesman, said. 'This is the future of daytime content. We're riding the crest of a new wave. No more repeats of Homes Under The Hammer or Bargain Hunt for the 30th time. We're giving our viewers what they really want. Extensive research showed 99.99% of our audience doesn't care for actual traditional programming at all. Funeral plan ads are what they like in particular. Can't get enough of them. And now there are so many companies in the stiffs game, fitting actual programming in has become really difficult.' 

One couple cock-a-hoop at the news are Albert and Gladys Pethridge from Cheam. Albert tells us, 'I'm sick to the back teeth seeing that effing Alan Titchmarsh geezer or Del Boy and Rodney. So I couldn't wait to get signed up for my final journey. It'll make me the happiest man dead to know that Glad and all the family will have a blinding knees-up when I go. Gives me a nice warm feeling. Though I hope that's not an omen. Har har.

'I couldn't decide if I wanted toasted then scattered, or stuck down a hole. So I signed up for the "surprise send-off" which will add a bit of spice to the big day. Whatever I get, you can be sure I'll be smiling down... or maybe up...  at them all from wherever I am.'

Gladys, busily crocheting a new poncho for granddaughter, River, looks up briefly, gives an enigmatic smile and asks, 'Now, just in case, remember to show me where you've put the life insurance documents, won't you? Oh and do hurry up and drink your Bovril before it goes cold. Funny taste indeed. Really, Albert. Sometimes I wonder about you.'

Photo by Odalv on Unsplash

British couple freed after months in Taliban prison: 'We were totally spying!'

A British couple who were imprisoned by the Taliban in Afghanistan for nearly eight months have been released but admit, with a small amount of giggling, 'We were totally spying'.

Peter Reynolds, 80, and his wife Barbie, 76, have lived in the country for nearly two decades but had decided to come home in February. They were stopped and imprisoned whilst on their way to the airport on vague charges such as 'educating women'.

'I remember saying to Barbie at the time', said Peter laughing to himself, 'I hope this isn't about the shit ton of spying we've been doing!'

Barbie smiled warmly, 'Oh yes! I remember that! I had only been doing a bit of spying the day before and I think you had just come back from a whole weekend of spying!'

The couple were freed and are flying to Qatar for medical checks before travelling on to the UK, it is unclear whether they will continue their work as amateur spies.

Image: WixAI

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