Reform policy creates a ton, or tonne, of problems

Reform Limited has announced that it is going to reintroduce Imperial units to aid trade with the US.

'Everybody will be relieved they can stop hiding their light under a bushel and resume using pounds and ounces in their daily work,' said a spokesman, referring to the demographic that still prefers Imperial units, otherwise known as pensioners.

A US Trade Envoy asked if the units will match US units, such as 16 fluid ounces to the pint? Or 100 pounds to the hundredweight? 2000 pounds to the ton? The short ton, that is?

Reform shrugged, not realising that Imperial units have 20 fluid ounces to the pint, making pints and gallons larger than US units, and the hundredweight consisting of 112 pounds, obviously, making the ton equal to 2240 pounds.

The US envoy also shrugged. 'Could you stick with metric, please?' he asked.

Image: Momentmal - Pixabay

Active pensioner told to take it easy

Ethel Harbord from Peckham has been told by her doctor to take it easy for a few days. The pensioner will be staying at Sunnyview nursing home but is expecting to attend the WI cake sale later this month. She is reported to be in good spirits but “disappointed” that the planned visit to her daughter and son-in-law in Bognor cannot go ahead on Thursday.

One of Sunnyview’s longest residents, Ethel has attended a series of events in recent days including a front seat at the all-in wrestling and as a judge in East London’s annual whelk eating competition, where she was a past champion, as well as hosting the East End ladies’ Kray twins appreciation tea party on Monday afternoon. She had spent most of the week-end at the dog track as usual.

It was revealed earlier in the week that Ethel had declined Butlin’s glamorous grannie invitation saying, “Bugger off! I’m 95 you know”.

A spokesperson for Sunnyview said Ethel was reluctant to accept the medical advice but that they’d slipped something in her port and lemon that should keep the old battle axe quiet for a few days.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/silviarita-3142410/

First published 25 Oct 2021

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State Pension to be paid using Crtptocurrency

The Treasury has confirmed that the State Pension will no longer be paid in cash over the Post Office counter or by bank transfer from next April.

'Neither the Post Office nor the major banks operating in the UK are equipped to handle the volume of money the British pensioner is expected to receive,' said a Treasury spokesman today.  'Obviously not all people over age sixty-six have access to a crypto account, or indeed have a blockchain number, so we're giving them time to get set up for what is looking like the pension bonanza of all time,' he said.  He confirmed pensions would be paid over the Dark Web going forward.  'It only makes sense,' he explained.

Alice, 71, is looking forward to the change.  'I could have used my four wheel shopping trolley once a week to pick the money up, but I'd be worried pushing that amount of cash around.  I haven't worked out how to Sellotape a bitcoin to the grandson's birthday card yet, but I'm sure I will,' she added.

Betty, 78, thinks crypto will revolutionise her twice weekly bingo sessions.  'Big Barry, who runs the bingo, is really up on this type of thing.  He's on Facebook now,' she explained.  'His partner Gail will probably struggle, she's only just stopped using Friends Reunited so I doubt she'll be much help, but Barry does the money anyway,' she said.

Economists have cautiously welcomed the change, but have urged the government to provide better guidance using TV advertising, Teletext and mailing Betamax infomercials to every pension household.

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