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Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak is hoping to turn his fortunes around by appearing in the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas extravaganza.
His campaign team apparently had the idea that if he danced with Vasudhara, the six-armed Indian goddess, he would wow TV audiences around the world and gain the confidence to meet his counterparts on the world stage. But rehearsals with Vasudhara didn’t go as planned, as Sunak was inevitably undecided by which of Vasudhara’s hands to take during the fast-paced Pasodoble that was intended to be his pièce de résistance.
Vasudhara is said to have told the Strictly choreographer that she doubted Sunak would know which hand to wank with if the other was tied behind his back, as she pulled out of the show.
An alternative partner for Sunak has been found and the dance downgraded to a slow-paced, two-step waltz, which if Rishi can remember which foot to lead with, may allow the event to go ahead.
This weekend, Jim Smith undertook the gruelling task of watching his youngest child perform in yet another sixth form musical that for some reason features spirited cockney urchins. She plays a spunky East End vagabond - again.
‘The second I see her bounding on stage, her ponytail pinned under a newsboy cap and her face streaked with brown eyeshadow, I know it’s going to be a long night,’ Jim says. ‘It wouldn’t bother me that much, but most of the musicals aren’t even set in Victorian London.’
Why an urchin? Jim’s daughter is, regrettably, a triple A: A cup, Alto and Androgenous. Predatory theatre directors already face the challenge of wrestling unenthusiastic sixteen-year-old boys into oversized suit jackets so they can mumble their way through the lead roles. With no boys to spare, the mantle of the juvenile rapscallion falls on female shoulders.
‘If I have to see that tattered brown jacket again I’ll scream,’ Smith’s wife says, wringing the photocopied playbill between her hands. ‘I swear every role she plays is the same: it’s all “spare a penny” this and “pick a pocket,” that. I actually feel relief when she dies at the end.’
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