Government Facing Growing Backlash from Homeowners Forced to Live with Covid

The PM is facing mounting resentment after forcing citizens into co-habitation with Covid.

It comes weeks after a dramatic government U-Turn. All previous policy mandated staying well away from the disease and to follow dramatic and usually illogical rules to keep it out of the home. However, new policy requires anyone not medically exempt to ‘start living with Covid.’

‘We follow government advice to the letter, but welcoming Covid into the very heart of our family is just too much', said Stephen Jarvis, Seaham U13s Chess Champion, 1984. 'It's a destructive houseguest, and it just sort of hovers around the house, lingering annoyingly in the air'.

Miriam Caltrop of Henor was equally disappointed. ‘At first we were excited. We thought that inviting Covid into our homes was a small price to pay for everything getting back to normal,’

‘But then things turned sour, (especially food and smells). Covid became clingy and wouldn’t let us leave the house. They didn’t help with the chores or pay bills, which became problematic as we couldn’t go to work.

'And this is against a background fear that they may suddenly turn on you and maliciously murder you in your sleep. By the end, we were left feeling exhausted and drained and wishing they would just go.’

Homeowner associations are arguing that spare rooms could be better used to welcome foster children or refugees. However, the government reiterated that Covid was now the public’s responsibility and until they could rehome it humanely, there simply wasn’t room for other more deserving guests.

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“We must wait for outcome of the Sue Gray inquiry,” insists aged Boris Johnson to nursing home staff

BLUE SKIES CARE HOME, UXBRIDGE 2052 – Exhorting his bewildered carers that if they would only wait a little longer for the findings of Sue Gray’s inquiry into misbehaviour in the highest levels of government everything would be fine, ex-Prime Minister Boris Johnson pled for leniency from the British public yesterday, thirty years after he was forcibly removed from office over revelations of partying in Downing Street during lockdown.

The elderly former leader of the Conservative Party had just finished a meal in the common room, and was being helped into the lounge for an afternoon of quiz shows when he made the outburst, despite the probe by the senior civil servant having led to his political downfall decades before.

“Trust me, plebs, if you give Sue a bit more time, she’ll have the results any day now,” blustered Johnson to the nurse bringing him his daily pills. “Till then, and I’m afraid I’m boring you here, it’s best if we remain patient for her official report.”

Behaving like nothing happened and he wasn’t implicated in an enormous scandal for breaching public health laws which cost him his job and his marriage, the erstwhile-PM implored fellow residents to hang on in there.

“In the meantime I’ll be getting on with the crucial jobs the Great British public really cares about: napping in an armchair, playing bingo, and hoping the Health Secretary doesn’t release Covid-positive residents back into care homes again.”

Staff were reportedly unsure how to break the news to Mr Johnson that the report had emerged years ago, but at press time had decided to humour him by throwing a wine and cheese soiree in the garden and extending an invitation to Dominic Cummings.

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Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"

"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"

Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.

Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.

"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.

"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"

Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.

"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."

"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith