top of page
Search
Updated: May 18, 2023
Bow magistrates court has sentenced David Redding, 34, to four months community service after he pleaded guilty to not understanding jewellery. 'I get women like to wear earrings,' he said after the verdict, 'but don't understand why they have to have more than one set,' he added. His girlfriend, Jemma, made a complaint to the police, who ironically put the bracelets on Redding, when he failed to buy her jewellery for the fourth consecutive birthday since they moved in together. 'A spray can of WD40 for my creaking cupboard doors just doesn't cut it, I was like 32 and everything,' she said to reporters.
Redding was also convicted of not understanding female clothing sizes. 'I always assumed the number related to the weight in stones,' he said, admitting his one token attempt at buying Jemma a dress backfired disastrously. 'OK, I'm not very good at guessing weight either,' he admitted, pleased that the sentence was to run concurrent with the first one.
A third charge of not understanding colour coordination was dismissed when Redding offered his colour blindness in mitigation. He left the court sullen, dressed in a grey suit with brown shoes and red socks. 'I'm not really colour blind,' he admitted after the verdict, 'it's just what was next in the wardrobe and in my sock drawer.
image form pixabay
Having successfully smashed the chances of 6 guys with placards overthrowing the monarchy, the Public Order Bill is set to come slamming down on Labour, the Lib Dems, SNP and probably the Green Party as well – just to be on the safe side. All of their MPs and party members face arrest and immediate deportation to Rwanda.
Anyone considered to be considering voting for those parties will be arrested on the morning of the next general election, just before polling begins. They will be held until just after the polls close, before being released without charge. The subsequent apology will come with air quotes.
Home Secretary Suella Braverman was allegedly seen salivating and naming the plan “Operation British Values”.
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst clarified ‘These protesters, who self-identify as the Labour party, plan to interfere with key national infrastructure like roads and railways. Labour have suggested they might nationalise the railways. This might make the trains run on time and would definitely cost the taxpayer less money – and we can’t have that. They’re also threatening to properly fund local authorities, the NHS and social care and not fund their mates or their wives share portfolios. These are not British values, so it’s time for the Met Police to do what they do best – well, 4th best, after committing rapes, failing to investigate those rapes and being institutionally racist.’
Labour intern Shelley Stevenson said ‘They’ve nothing to worry about. Literally. We’re not going to do anything. Not even wave placards.’
bottom of page