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Man has wife’s birthday present removed from his colon


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A man has undergone a two-hour operation to have his wife’s birthday present removed from his colon.


42-year-old Tom Titt from Twatt told us, “I knew my wife’s birthday was coming up, because I never forget important dates like that – my mum always sends a text to remind me,” said Tom, shifting uncomfortably on his doughnut cushion. “My missus says I never listen to her, but I’d heard her complaining recently that her old Hoover wasn’t picking up dog hairs anymore. I had to take her word for it that the Hoover was knackered, 'cos I’ve never used it myself. I don’t even know where she keeps it - I leave the domestic appliances to her, 'cos I don’t understand them,” explained Tom, who has a master’s degree in engineering. “I do know a hint when I hear one though, so I was sure she was trying to tell me she wanted a new vacuum cleaner for her birthday.”


Tom went on to say, “I thought she’d be delighted when she unwrapped the Dyson vacuum I bought her, but for some reason when she saw it she started yelling. Then she ripped the box open, grabbed the upholstery attachment and shoved it right up my arse! How ungrateful is that? The Dyson wasn’t cheap, either. I’m butt hurt – in every sense of the word.”


Tom’s wife Charlotte said, “Tom always buys crap presents. The Dyson isn’t actually the worst gift he’s ever bought - for my birthday last year he booked a skiing holiday at the last minute, which would have been lovely, but I was heavily pregnant at the time and couldn’t go. He went with his mate instead, and missed the birth. This year, weeks before my birthday, I started dropping hints about a Pandora bracelet I liked. I took him to the store to show him the bracelet and I kept leaving the Pandora website open on his iPad, but he obviously didn’t take the hint. When I saw he’d bought me a vacuum cleaner, all the pent-up rage from 18 years of crap presents swelled up inside me, and I completely lost it.”


Charlotte added, “Tom’s bought me some sh*t presents in the past, but to be fair this one really sucks!”




First published 8 Dec 2022


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Similarities of Mechanically Recovered Meat and Reform Policies

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Reformed meat, the worst kind of meat, has similarities with Reform Policies, the worst kind of policies.


How Mechanically Recovered Meat is made


  • Meat is separated from flesh-bearing bones or poultry carcasses through a high-pressure mechanical process

  • The meat is pushed through a sieve, or similar device, to separate it from the bones

  • This process modifies or destroys the original muscle fibre structure, resulting in a paste-like consistency

  • The final product can be used to bulk up other meat products

  • The end result is a mound of paste like slurry, consisting of meat, fat, and gristle


How a Reform Policy is made 


  • Policies are separated from Conservative Manifestos, and YouTube comments sections, through high-pressure verbal abuse

  • The proposal is pushed through a narrow-minded focus group, or similar method, to separate it from reason

  • This process modifies or destroys the original policy structure, resulting in poor consistency

  • The final product can be used to bulk up other empty manifesto promises

  • The end result is a policy that is liked by mounds of paste like slurry, consisting of meat, fat, and gristle



Image credit: perchance.org

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