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Scientists at the Australian University of Woop-Woop have successfully created artificial vegetables starting only with meat.


This means that veggie-reluctant people can now eat lookalike vegetables without worrying about the impact of nitrate fertilisers, insecticides or of the amount of water used to grow them. The vegetables are created in the laboratory by an entirely unnatural process using various different meats as input.


The researchers initially concentrated on the larger vegetables, because everything is big in Australia. Large carrots, parsnips and marrows have been manufactured from wallaby meat, for example. Courgettes have been made from cow meat (and the staff jokingly refer to them as ‘cowgettes’). Peas and sweetcorn have proved more challenging because of their small size – but staff are hopeful that trials using meat from smaller animals – including shrews and grasshoppers – might bear fruit. So to speak.


Volunteers have been involved in taste tests and say that all of the artificial vegetables are satisfyingly meaty and particularly tasty with gravy. Vegetarians have cautiously welcomed these innovations. They believe that its fair for meat eaters to have vegetable substitutes in the same way they enjoy meat substitutes.


The researchers are currently working on a new project to address global drought, by creating artificial water from surplus wine.





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Rising temperatures are 'likely to be beneficial' for Britain as more people die of cold than heat in this country, a Tory peer called Lord Chill has said.


Speaking during a debate on the level of Government preparation for the impacts that climate change will have on health, the economy, food security and the environment, the Tory peer said: 'We have all too little debate on climate change. After all nobody has ever explained it to me. At least, not so I understand it.'


'Will I have to change my name? Will it be a hot girl summer?'


'It’s all the more important that we have it now since critics who don't know what this policy is for, or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, find it increasingly difficult to get a hearing in the media.'


Lord Chill said: 'Digging deeper, what are those consequences of the hotter, warmer summers and warmer, wetter winters? I'm not very technical, but I have never heard a proper explanation of this problem. For example, how can financial predictions be so far off but climate is supposed to be predictable, as if its science or something, but what even is that anyway? I haven't looked into because I find that sort of thing hard. Nobody has ever been able to give me a simple explanation without boring me by talking for more than 30 seconds'


'Oooh, a shiny button!'


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