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New music streaming app Swiftify has launched, dedicated entirely to the music of Taylor Swift. Users can listen to songs from a vast library of albums - albeit most of them feature the same songs just with different cover art - and explore music from the many genres which Taylor has toyed with over her multi decade career.


Swiftify Chief Exec Bradley Brady said, '90% of all music streams are of the top 1% of artistes, and 50% are of Taylor, probably. So we figured just cut out the rest. Like we say in showbiz, be nice to the little people on your way up - then dump 'em.'


The app also features an AI tool to generate abusive social media messages for 'Swifties' to send to 'haters'. At press time, it had already suffered its first crash, when someone registered under the username Big Machine Records.


Meanwhile, plans to launch another app dedicated entirely to the music of Harry Styles have been put on hold following an appeal under the Geneva Convention.



Image credit: perchance.org


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The Middle East is experiencing heightened tensions today after the targeted assassination of Abdul Abulbul Amir, much loved leader of his people.


Though no actor has officially claimed responsibility, few doubt the killing was ordered by Amir’s ancient rival, Ivan Skavinsky Skavar. 


The feud between the two is thought to date back to a disagreement about the drinking of beer, with Skavar thinking it best in a straight glass while sat in a chair with the ladies, whilst Amir as a Muslim considered alcohol and other intoxicants “haram” and “the work of Satan”.


Whatever the original casus belli, the two have been skirmishing for as long as anyone can remember, using arcane weapons such as blunderbusses and bicycles hanging from balloons. 


Fears this conflict may develop into warfare with modern weapons were averted when trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney flew in and asked whether they wouldn’t prefer a Bud Light, causing both sides to realise they hate Mulvaney far more than they hate each other.


Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash

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