In a blow to Elon Musk’s plan to colonize Mars, the Martian government has banned the multi-billionaire from setting foot on the planet. The ban also applies to all spaceships owned in whole or in part by Musk or any of his contractors, according to Xyqqqwz, the Martian government’s Minister of Migration. ‘Any of Mr. Musk’s vessels that enter Martian orbit, or land on the surface, will immediately be seized and sold for scrap,’ said Xyqqqwz.
The ban comes in the wake of several recent bizarre interventions Musk has made in UK politics. ‘We get the BBC just like everyone else,’ Xyqqqwz explained in a rare interplanetary press conference. ‘And what we’ve been seeing just boggles the neuroreceptors.’ Martians seem particularly disturbed by Musk’s peculiar fascination with Tommy Robinson, famed throughout the solar system for his grotesque racism. ‘He is what we Martians refer to as a wanker,’ Xyqqqwz observed.
Down at the Comet & Crater, a popular local watering hole, the public reaction to the ban has generally been positive. ‘We should just keep all the humans out,’ said Qxxwwq, a canal maintenance worker. ‘All they do is bring crime and filth, and you can’t get even half a day’s work out of them.’
Yqqqxw, a property developer, had a more complex view. ‘We certainly welcome human tourism because we could use the money,’ Yqqqxw said. ‘But we don’t need ignorant and unskilled humans like Musk coming here to stay and burdening our taxpayers.’ One patron, who asked not to be identified, said he would welcome Musk to Mars. ‘I sell ketamine and I think his arrival here would really be good for business.’
Picture credit: Wix AI
