An exhausted viewer of the Paris Olympics

Neptune Supports Ledecky for Mount Olympus

Neptune, the Roman god of the seas, has invited American amateur swimmer Katie Ledecky to the join the pantheon of gods residing on Mount Olympus. 'Ledecky has mastered the waves in a manner that, to be absolutely candid, puts me to shame,' Neptune said in a press release. In a subsequent interview, Neptune said 'Let's be honest – I can wreck a trireme fleet as easily as anyone, but if I tried to swim the way she did in the 1500 metres, I'd burst my aorta.'

Ledecky would be the first mortal admitted to the Olympian pantheon since Caesar Augustus, Rome's greatest emperor. 'He's a bit of a bore,' Neptune admitted, 'always banging on about Pompey this and Cleopatra that.' Neptune hopes that Ledecky would bring 'a fresh perspective' to a pantheon that critics assert has lost much of its relevance in recent centuries.

Neptune also hopes that Ledecky would be willing to share some of her physical skills and mental discipline with the mermaids, with whom Neptune has had a frequently contentious relationship. 'All they do is sit around sunning themselves on rocks – bloody useless if you ask me,' Neptune said. Reached for comment, a representative of the Global Mermaids Union rejected Neptune's characterization, calling him 'a soggy old fart who's well past his sell-by date.' 'The tide's gone out on Neptune,' the representative continued, 'and all he's capable of now is beaching the odd whale.'

Ledecky's agent declined to be interviewed on whether the swimmer would seize this chance at immortality. However, in a statement posted to social media, the agent seemed to leave Ledecky's door to Mount Olympus at least slightly ajar. 'Katie is completely focused on achieving immortality through her athletic efforts,' the statement said. 'Which mountains she chooses to climb after that will be her decision.'

Image: Wix AI

Time again for politicians to pretend they like football

Holding pints of beer, they have no intention of drinking, then wondering when the canapés will be served, politicians will once again feign interest in the plebs. With an election overlapping with the Euros, every party leader will be forced to wear an obligatory England shirt, still with the tags on.

As their police escort clears the room of any real people. they will pose naturally in pubs, in front of a team of press photographers they had coincidentally bumped into. All the while practising the names of their favourite players, like Harry Bellingham, Bobby Shearer and Ian Botham.

One part leader insisted he is an ardent fan, right up until England lose. 'Ever since I started following

Manchester Rovers, I've always been a supporter of ruggerball. Who can forget Gazza's tears when he sung nessun dorma? Or when Geoff Capes scored his World Cup triple? As a die hard Liverpool Red Socks fan, I can safely say 'it's coming home', although I don't know what 'it' is.'

Image: Newsbiscuit