Date of Christmas to be moved to July says 'Common Sense Tsarina'

Esther McVey has announced she will be putting a Bill before Parliament to revoke the date of Christmas week from December to July.

"It makes sense", she declared. "Why hold a festival during the darkest time of the year. The kids will be off school anyway; so no problems there. The weather has a better chance of being fine and they can play outside on their new bikes. People could even have barbecues just like they do in Australia".

A Lib Dem spokesperson commented, "Doesn't make we'll still have travel chaos".

When asked for comment, Keir Starmer's office responded that he was a tad busy at the moment because he was having a long poo and didn't want to be disturbed.

Image: Awesomecontent | Freepik

Move over, Hot Girl Summer: British Dad Summer takes centre stage

Young women are ditching bikinis for wife-beaters as they swear off hook-up culture for the summer.

Growing increasingly disillusioned with the reality of what Megan Thee Stallion coined “Hot Girl Summer”, young women are embracing the summer rites of their seniors—more specifically, their fathers.

‘My Instagram feed is saturated with beautiful young women drinking cocktails on yachts and swimming in the crystal-blue waters of the Caribbean. But are they truly happy? No. I’ll tell you who’s truly happy: my dad, Greg.’

Greg is 57 and enjoys spending his summer days sat on a plastic chair in the family’s postage-stamp garden, cradling a can of warm Stella. He may be developing the early stages of skin cancer, but such serenity is seldom found outside a Tibetan monastery.

‘I’ve never seen someone more content and less preoccupied with how they look,’ 19-year-old Sarah says. ‘Here I am, doing ab workouts at 6am while my dad swaggers about with the reddest arms and the whitest globe of a stomach I’ve ever seen. Yet he walks down our street like he owns it; I have a lot to learn from him.’

Fashion outlets are quick to capitalise on this unexpected trend, with retailers like Shien releasing a line of clothing inspired by these perma-tanned patriarchs. Knee-high socks, wraparound sunglasses, ¾ length chinos, and crocs are the new must-haves for the summer. Forget raves and European getaways; disposable BBQs, beer gardens, and standing by the sea with hands on hips have become the pinnacle of summer activities.

Ah! A family sits together out in the garden