Netflix buy Roald Dahl's books so rich corporations can get a happy ending

The global streaming service has said it intends to make a few tweaks to Dahl’s books, to ensure that ‘Arthur Slugworth gets fair representation’. In a surprising plot twist, Charlie finds a golden ticket, only to have an injunction taken out against him by Veruca Salt. The Oompa Loompas are deported and everyone gets stage two diabetes.

‘We want the books to have endings that reflect the reality of late-stage capitalism,’ explained a producer. ‘It makes much more sense for Willy Wonka to float his firm on the stock market, rather than bequeath it to a boy whose own grandparents fake being bed ridden, in order to scrounge benefits.’

With the new versions, Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker successfully sell their peach stockpiles to Tesco and unwanted grubs to ITV’s ‘Bushtucker Trial’. Miss Trunchball establishes a successful academy chain. While The Grand High Witch gets her wish to wipe out of children in the UK, by turning Marcus Rashford into a mouse.

Said the author’s estate. ‘It’s what Roald would have wanted... BFG... Big F$ckin Greed’

Benedict Cumberbatch 'magnificent' as Bloke in Tesco

Benedict Cumberbatch has blown away the critics after a ‘magnificent, power-house performance’ at the Brent Cross Hendon Way Tesco Superstore in Cricklewood last night. The Sherlock star, already receiving plaudits for his role as Hamlet at the Barbican Theatre, was praised for his thirty-five minute ‘tour-de-force’, in which he grappled with the gritty role of ‘Man Shopping in Tesco'.

‘His was a multifaceted performance,’ wrote The Telegraph's Dominic Cavendish. ‘On the surface an ordinary man browsing the magazine section, but with shades of the Danish Prince as he struggled to choose between The Angling Times and Fly Fishing Illustrated – his portrayal of the inner conflict lifting to a crescendo after taking a sly glance at FHM’s Lucy Pinder on the top shelf.’

‘I always knew he had it in him,’ said Sherlock co-star Mark Gatiss. ‘Nobody else can accidentally knock over a box of Shredded Wheat with such intensity and put it back, seemingly at random, with the Frosties - the symbolism really takes one’s breath away. Anyone in that packed audience can be honoured to have witnessed an historic moment in the history of theatre – made even more memorable by a really good BOGOF deal on Lynx deodorants – Africa, Excite and Lynx Sensitive.’

Michael Billington of The Guardian was equally impressed, giving Cumberbatch full marks for his efforts: ‘The arrogant, self-assured Cavalry officer from War Horse was convincingly metamorphosed into some bloke wandering the dairy aisle,’ he wrote, praising the actor for taking the role into ‘unexpected corners of the Human psyche.’

He continued: ‘In a poignant scene, Cumberbatch’s character is confronted by an elderly lady blocking the yoghurt section, looking at the use-by dates on some Muller Light multi-packs. Lesser performers would have merely tutted, or boorishly tried to edge in, but Cumberbatch confounded all expectations by wandering off to get some cottage cheese, before returning to the now vacant spot a minute later to extract a carton of Yakult. You could have heard a pin drop.’

However not everyone was so enchanted by the Imitation Game Oscar Nominee. The Independent's Paul Taylor called it a ‘rather mixed affair’ in his three-star review: ‘Make no mistake – Cumberbatch’s Tesco Shopper marks him out as Britain’s leading theatrical light, but where his enigmatic persona dazzled as his fungal foot powder was run through the till, and his stuffing of the petrol vouchers into his wallet brought tears to the eye, a lacklustre car-parking scene put something of a tarnish on the brilliance.

‘Taking the last parent-and-child space and making me walk an extra ten metres? Come on Benedict, you’re better than that’, he added.

Let Freedom Ring by Covid-19

Today is the day.

Today, at last, this freedom-loving nation can cast off the shackles of lockdown, escape the clutches of oppressive government diktat, and taste the sweet nectar of fresh Covid particles.

Since the earliest days of the pandemic, down the brutal halls of Westminster, blackened by the fires of deceit and the searing coals of obfuscation…I have waited.

Since eighteenscore months ago, when Dominic Cummings first called for herd immunity, I have waited for the promise of this nation to be kept.

This promise was a vow that all viruses would be guaranteed the unimpeachable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of the clinically vulnerable.

Millions have hidden in their homes, or gagged themselves with cloth masks in shops, in a rare period of public spiritedness and fortitude.

To this I say: never again!

So today, let freedom ring.

Let freedom ring down on the London underground, where passengers breathe particulates over one another with the force of a thousand hurricanes.

Let freedom ring on Chequers, where poor Boris Johnson is humiliatingly trapped at home.

Let freedom ring on the schools and the poorest communities where all our unvaccinated lie.

Let freedom ring.

From the busiest aisles of Tesco to the crumbling care homes of Chichester. From the heaving clubs of Soho to the pubs of Penzance, hear my rallying cry:-

Free at last, free at last, thank Boris almighty, I am free at last!

I had a dream that one day my variants and my variants’ variants would be able to sit down together at the table of a Wetherspoons in Stoke and mix freely with the public.

And that dream came true today.