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Tory Conference renamed ‘Gnashville’ after epidemic of tooth-gnashing over party future.


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‘We’re tearing ourselves apart over which issues to tear ourselves apart over’ wailed one Conservative Conference delegate, as she queued for dental attention at the party’s first ever Anti-gnashing unit. There are so many hills to die on, it’s an uphill struggle to decide which to start climbing. We’re in the teeth of a crisis, and we can’t stop chewing’.



A team of emergency dentists (none of them taking NHS patients) was at hand at this year’s conference where vexed gnashing has assumed epidemic proportions. They gave out gum shields, paracetamol and laxative chewing gum. The lattermost is designed to relieve gnashing symptoms while helping constipated Conservatives (Constipervatives) faced with a bleak political future to shit themselves without rectum or gum damage.




Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet


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Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.


'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

Tory MP who plans to stand at next election asked "What are you thinking?"


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Lee Anderson has astonished colleagues by announcing that he is planning to stand at the next general election.


"What the hell is he thinking?", said an amazed Sir Graham Brady, "I've already cleared my desk and started looking through the job ads; the electorate in my constituency have ordered a vat of tar and a sack full of feathers, I'm going to be as far from the election as legally possible."


Of the 354 Tory MPs, 353 have already said they plan to leave parliament at the next election.


"Sir" Jacob Rees-Mogg has been looking at new positions. "One has been sounding out various opportunities; I've approached a bell foundry after being advised that I might have an aptitude in that area; I've noticed several colleagues in the house mouthing the phrase "bell-end" when I give a speech."


image from pixabay



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