Supervet Storm: 'Your cat craps in your neighbour's garden deliberately.'

TV Supervet, Sean Flaherty, has ruffled the fur of the nation's cat lovers by insisting their beloved moggies are 'sly, sneaky, self-centred little feckers that love to shit in your neighbour's flowerbeds just for the craic.'

'Cats are genetically programmed with an inbuilt sense of malice,' explains Flaherty, 'only responding to humans when their owners stand banging a can of cat food with a spoon, shouting the cat’s name in some stupid high-pitched voice they imagine is endearing.

'But once they have eaten the food, with no more to gain by even so much as acknowledging anyone’s existence, they pull the drawbridge up. Arrogant bastards. That's what they are.

'They fully understand the minefield of inter-neighbour politics and really get off on upsetting this dynamic by never shitting on their own doorsteps, but by doing their business on next door's instead.'

We spoke to Tiddles, one malicious moggy who purred, 'I love the buzz of getting my owner into trouble, by pissing in anyone else's garden but his, for example.

'Last week I caused quite a scene when he came out shouting the odds at the new next-door neighbour who had tried to shoot me with a BB gun after I shat all over then dug up his prize geraniums.

'How was I to know the neighbour is a professional wrestler and would end up knocking seven bells out of my poor ickle-wickle owner?'

Picture credit: Wix AI

The great wait is over - Pinky and Perky announce reunion.

After days of speculation, Pinky and Perky have finally announced they will be reuniting to play a series of concerts across the UK. Tickets go on sale on Saturday, and demand is expected to be high among excited fans who have waited decades for the sensational singing duo to reunite.

Pinky and Perky were massively successful during the 1950s and 60s, before their shock split in 1971 following an altercation backstage at Blackpool’s North Pier Theatre. Pinky explained a few years later that during an argument, Perky had tried to attack him with an 8-track recorder. Sources close to the duo said that problems had been brewing for some time before the incident, and tensions were fuelled by both Pinky and Perky being heavily addicted to helium gas, which they used to help them achieve their distinctive sound.

No one knows why Pinky and Perky have decided to reunite now, although of course the tour will generate a lot of money for the duo, and Pinky has recently had to pay a massive divorce settlement to his ex-wife, Miss Piggy,

Story by Scribbles

University Challenge superfan yet to get one correct answer

Brian Smethurst, from Bognor Regis, who has been watching University Challenge since its first episode in 1962, admitted today he has still to answer even one single question correctly. Yet this hasn't dampened his enthusiasm for the show.

He said: 'I once thought I'd actually cracked in 1981, when I said Caravaggio was an Italian motor scooter... but turned out it was an espresso machine.'

Brian's wife Delia commented: 'Bless him. He loves it and even has a tattoo of original question master, Bamber Gascoigne, on his left buttock. He's vowed to have one of Amol Rajan on the other side should he finally succeed.'

Meanwhile Brian's quest goes on, although Delia isn't holding out much hope for her hapless husband. 'I can't see him ever doing it, because so far he's spent over twenty thousand pounds entering those competitions on ITV and he's yet to get even one of those answers right.'

Photo by Vadim Sherbakov on Unsplash