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Elon Musk Vows To Purchase And 'Massively Overhaul' Lego Toy Company


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In the last 48 hours Elon Musk has made an audacious bid to buy the toy company Lego. After his recent purchase of social media giant Twitter/X, Musk has set his sights on another cultural touchstone, this time in the shape of the Danish toy manufacturers.


Insiders claim that an initial bid of twenty million dollars was ‘just an opening gambit’, and Musk subsequently made a second bid of three hundred trillion dollars, more than the total financial output of every country on earth. Pressed by a Washington Post reporter on how he would afford to structure such a purchase Musk allegedly called the journalist a ‘pedo’ and posted a gif of himself dancing to ‘Gangnam Style’.


Musk’s long-term intentions should the purchase go through have long been known: he has a history of talking about how ‘inefficiently run’ the Lego toy company is and in a 2019 interview with the Wall Street Journal he is quoted as saying ‘I think people are tired of the status quo with Lego, they want something more, but Lego are too big and clumsy to react to the new paradigm shift. They stick to the whole ‘toy building blocks’ thing, and they aren’t adapting to the rapid changes occurring in areas like military drone technology and nuclear power. I want to drag them into the present.’


Insiders claim his first move will be to change the company name to ‘HawkingRadiation-J9788’, and to start selling the Lego instruction manuals separately. He has already drawn up plans to fire 99.999999% of staff at the company - a move which has been criticised as ‘mathematically impossible’ - and has vowed to install himself as King of Lego Land, a title which does not exist at the company and never has.


Insiders say that the King of Lego Land title is the ‘only deal breaker’ for Musk.


Other plans rumoured to have been floated by Musk include making the Lego bricks themselves less ‘confusing’ by making all bricks monochromatic and identical in shape, and gluing the bricks together so that people ‘can concentrate on appreciating the aesthetic purity’ of the playsets. When asked by a reporter whether children will enjoy playing with such Lego sets Elon Musk shook his head and furrowed his brow, as though the question itself made no sense.


image from pixabay


Author: Saul


First published 23 Aug 2023



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Misogynists nurse their fragile egos as England Women win Euros again

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In an event that has sent shockwaves through pub corners and online comment sections across the nation, England’s women have once again lifted the UEFA Women’s Euro trophy, leaving a trail of confused and fragile male egos in their victorious wake.


“Football’s only coming home when we win it,” muttered 47-year-old expert-in-nothing Gary Thompson, while refreshing his timeline, hoping to see anything that might discredit the Lionesses’ historic victory. “It’s not proper football, is it? Where’s the slide tackles? Where’s the pub brawls? Where’s the VAR controversy so I can argue with strangers online?”


Sources confirm that a coalition of part-time YouTube pundits and full-time misogynists immediately convened to develop their latest coping strategy: redefining the word 'football' in real-time.

“Winning the Euros doesn’t count unless you’re diving, swearing at the ref, and clutching your hamstring every five minutes,” said Dave from Manchester, who once scored a tap-in during a five-a-side game in 1998 and has considered himself a tactical mastermind ever since.


Meanwhile, social media has been flooded with desperate attempts to downplay the achievement. Comments such as 'the goals aren't as good' and 'the men would beat them' poured in, as if that somehow negates the victory parade currently being planned through London.


One particularly distraught Twitter user even launched a petition demanding UEFA 'cancel the result because it’s biologically unfair,' citing zero scientific sources but a lot of feelings.


Psychologists have observed a sharp rise in cases of 'Selective Sports Interest Syndrome' — a condition where men suddenly become experts on women’s football solely to dismiss it. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Elaine Ward. “They've never watched a women’s match, but the moment women succeed, they develop encyclopaedic knowledge of why it ‘doesn’t count.’”


Meanwhile, the Lionesses responded to the outcry with a deafening silence, too busy admiring their second consecutive European trophy.


As England basks in a historic win, Gary and his fellow keyboard patriots have found solace in their final fallback argument: “At least we still have the darts.”


image from pixabay


Fury at BMW on empty motorway


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A picture of a car 'hogging' the motorway middle lane at 5am has kicked off a row online. The picture shows a car in the middle lane on the M5 seemingly completely alone, with no other vehicles anywhere to be seen.


Frustrated by the white BMW driver, thousands have taken to Twitter to complain, raging that drivers should keep to the left and speculating that maybe the driver was a drug dealer or up to “no good”.


One enraged Twitter user “Furiosa27” said, 'it’s just like Mad Max out there, how the hell can he afford the petrol for that thing, he must be selling drugs, or organs or something.'


'I bet he’s a right c@nt - he’s hogging the whole motorway - bloody Beamer drivers,' said @rokatansky49.


'He hasn’t even used his winkers once when changing lane,' said @auntieentity39.


First published 27 June 2022



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