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Celeb returns to twitter to see if their flounce worked


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On Friday, the star told their 12 million followers: 'That's it, I'm off, I can't stand what Twitter has become.' At 2pm, the same day, they tweeted: 'And another thing, I think those that Tweet are dreadful people.' And again at 7pm: '$8 is outrageous'.


After a weekend of careful reflection, they sent the following: 'Why didn't you all follow me to my new platform? Hello? Is anyone there? Hey, look at this, it's a picture of me with a salad and James Corden.


'PLEASE LIKE.'



First published 24 Nov 2022


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Newsbiscuit generously opens borders to flood of Twitterian migrants


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With the worsening situation in Twitteria catching the public eye, reports indicate tens of hundreds of thousands of millions of inhabitants of Twitteria are heading for the borders. They are seeking safe passage and a warm welcome - or a safe welcome and a warm passage - on other social sites where their acknowledged literary skills may help raise the standards of satire, debate and humour. One of the sites that has welcomed the potential influx is People's Republic of Newsbiscuitonia.


"I'll be honest," said a long time Biscuiteer, "we've never managed to reach the levels of cat photos. How do they do that in Twitteria? I'd love it if some of their top wits could work alongside us and impart their skills and knowledge."


One Twitterian, looking across the border at Newsbiscuitonia, wasn't so sure. "Don't they have emojis? Ewww, how primitive. Or maybe they just don't know how to use them? And as for arguments and rage, there only seems to be one subject they argue about - solar flannels or something? They do seem a really sleepy idle lot. I mean, it's like, a thread in Newsbiscuit lasts maybe, 6 messages, and then dies, right? Where's all the thousands of reposts and insults and likes and shares? And Y do they spel stuf out in ful 2 xplain things? I think a few good Twitterians could take this place in minutes. We'd swamp it."


Negotiations between the Twitterian ambassador and the Newsbiscuitonian Home Secretary (NHS) have progressed to a stage where the NHS explained, "We need these migrant workers to keep our staffing levels up. Many of our existing members are increasingly elderly, frail and demented.


'"An influx of healthy, vibrant, young blood is what we all need. Especially at this time of year. There will be extra demand on A&E (Amusement & Euphemism) units in the run-up to Christmas. We don't want to keep re-cycling the same old crackers jokes. We're sure these wonderful, elegant, subtle creatures from Twitteria could be just the yeast our doughy old mix needs. Or kneads. That's a joke! Ha-Ha! You see, it's working already!"




First published 20 Nov 2022


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5 Modern Pentathlon events for the 21st century


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With the news that showjumping is to be removed as an event from the Modern Pentathlon, is it time for a total overhaul of the event to bring it up to date? Pierre de Courbotin designed the modern Pentathlon at the Olympics to represent all the skills needed by a soldier caught behind enemy lines. But what are the skills required of a modern day citizen to survive life in the 21st century? Here are Newsbiscuit's five suggested new events:


-Virgin Media cancellation call : the modern Pentathlon begins with athletes having to call up and try and cancel their current broadband and TV subscription package. With a 30 minute time limit, participants must navigate the automated response system, before beginning verbal combat with up to 15 members of the accounts team. Who can persuade a member of the call centre team that 'I want to cancel my package' doesn't mean that you would like to upgrade to the premium sports offering? Will you ever really know channels are in the 'Maxit' TV package?


-Social media Likeathon: next up is a multiple social media format event, in which you must collect 1000 likes, hearts or thumbs up emojis for statements that you make on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Will you go for some basic virtue signalling expressing your abhorrence at the lack of commitments by big business towards climate change, alongside a picture of your newly installed heatpump? Or will you just share a picture of some cute cats playing on a piano, to a soundtrack of Chopsticks?


-Ikea Saturday afternoon sprint/scrum: athletes are given a list of items that they must collect in order from any local Ikea store, between the hours of 2 and 5pm on a Saturday. Items may include some tea-lights, a shoe storage rack, some random food containers that you'll never use, and a massive rug that would look nice in the living room wouldn't it but I'm not sure it goes with the dark wood bookshelves what do you think, maybe we should leave it and look in CarpetRight? Penalty points are awarded for every person you bang into even if they really shouldn't be blocking the thoroughfare opening and closing that Pax wardrobe door incessantly. And no, you can't go in reverse back through the store, if you forget something, you're disqualified, everyone knows that.


-Dishwasher stack: athletes must fill a standard size dishwasher after the cooking and consumption of home made shepherds pie for 6 people. Widely seen as the ultimate test of stamina, spatial awareness, and basic cleaning skills, will you do a pre-clean of the Pyrex dish? Cutlery facing upwards or downwards? Does the chopping board go in? With a two hour time limit and points awarded for shine, smell, and that squeaky noise you can make pulling your index finger down a clean plate, will you opt for an eco-wash or a quick wash at the temperature of molten lava?


-Aldi Bag Pack: nearing exhaustion, athletes must face a gruelling 5 minute, 'big shop' pack at the budget supermarket. Here athletes have to try and place their produce in bags for life (one for fruit and veg, one for chilled, and one for frozen) without any spillages, crushes or logjams in the packing area, as the till assistant scans and fires them down towards you at the speed of light without ever looking you in the eye. Spectators are encouraged to tut and 'helpfully' point out that you should just move over to the separate packing area, that's what its for, you idiot.






First published 9 Nov 2021


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