UK's latest onshore wind farm does not spoil the view say NIMBYs

Wind force now to be measured in bin movement

The Beaufort Scale is considered to be outdated, given that any discussion of gales is based on their impact on your garden. The new scale will range from 'George, did you move the bin last night?' to 'Oh my God, Margaret, the recycling is in the neighbour's pond'.

Storms will only be confirmed if your patio furniture has been upended. A moderate breeze will be indicated by how many crisp packets are stuck in your hedge, whereas hurricanes will be replaced with 'Where the f$ck is the garden gnome?'.

One scientist confirmed: 'The Met Office will only be giving accurate weather warnings once a week, given that the bins just go out on a Thursday.'

Shapps plans to build wind turbines in space

In an astonishing reveal, Business Secretary Grant Shapps has declared that the UK will build, assemble and, if necessary, operate wind turbines in space.

'Everyone knows it isn't feasible to construct wind turbines on land,' a spokesman for Mr Shapps said today, 'which is why they have been assembled on floating factories in the North Sea for the last decade.' He went on to say the floating factories had caused the designs to swell and they were now too big even for floating construction sites, hence the plan to build and operate them in space.

'Mr Shapps is looking for investors in this fantastic opportunity. Just £500 buys you a chance to sell this opportunity to maybe 500 other investors,' said a Mr Michael Green who claimed he had just bought in to the scheme and deemed it 'wonderful'.

Image: rauschenberger | Pixabay"