Man struggling to prove fitness for watching World Cup from his sofa

A man is facing a desperate race against the clock to prove his fitness to watch the Qatar World Cup from his own living room and local pub, it has emerged.

With the start of the tournament just 3 weeks away, Mike McBride, 42, is in a battle against time to develop a basic understanding of the footballing credentials of some of the lesser-known African teams. He is also yet to finalise his starting-11 stock phrases about the poor human rights record of the host nation.

‘It’s crept up on me this one’, admitted McBride. ‘Usually, by now, I’d be on version 12.1 of my spreadsheet of times for all matches, cross-referenced against work and home commitments’.

‘But I woke up in a cold sweat in bed at 2 this morning and couldn’t even remember whether it was Group E or F that is the Group of Death. And is Qatar 4 hours ahead or behind us?’

McBride’s World Cup form has been a cause for concern amongst his mates, following a number of below par observations about the tournament in recent weeks.

‘Last Thursday I had to limp out of our Thursday boys’ night out in disgrace after I said it would be great to watch Erling Haaland on the biggest stage’, said McBride. ‘Turns out Norway haven’t even qualified. It’s embarrassing.’

‘My daughter asked me just yesterday when we were getting a Panini Sticker album’ said McBride. ‘I hadn’t even thought about that…what kind of a man am I’.

‘He might be able to fall back on some tired anecdotes in the big matches without breaking stride from drinking his cans of Stella sat on his Laz-E-Boy chair’, said McBride’s wife with a note of caution. ‘Form is temporary, class is permanent and all that.’

‘But will he be able to raise his game to offer any meaningful insights into South Korea versus Ghana at 1pm on a wet Tuesday in late November? Only time will tell’

Image: Pixabay/Victoria_Watercolor

Government insists all children hum the tune The Dam Busters

On the 25th of June, the government has issued a dictate that all children sing 'Strong Britain, Great nation, No irony’ but to a medley of nationalistic tunes; including the tune from ‘Antiques Roadshow’, ‘Coronation Street’ and the sound of a deflating space hopper. Drawing influences from Grime (Darren Grimes that is), this stirring song will crescendo with Vera Lynn singing the theme music from the 70s TV show 'Minder'

Teachers will be expected to use a state approved lesson about Britain's colonial past, which conveniently forgets to mention we had one. In a stirring playground ceremony, children will salute the Union Jack and then promptly declare ownership of the school, while enslaving half their classmates.

In a haunting madrigal, children as young as five will re-enact the UK's proudest movements, from the 1966 World Cup to Del Boy falling through the cocktail bar. These will be accompanied by a marching band playing The Prodigy's ‘Firestarter’ and ‘Remember you're a Womble'.

A spokeswoman for North Korea was critical of Boris Johnson's crude propaganda tool: 'At least our glorious leader has a plausible haircut'. Despite UK ministers insisted: 'Small children singing patriotic songs, what's not to like? It worked for Hitler’.