Every picture tells a story

Motor mechanics move to reduce the number of face to face repairs

Following the threat of strike action by GPs, the government has backed down on its insistence that GPs conduct more face to face appointments.

The BMMA (British Motor Mechanics Association) has hailed this as a common sense decision and now intends to encourage its members to reduce the number of face to face repairs it conducts and increase the number of telephone repairs.

'They should have done this a long time ago,' said Denise Higgins, a former Pirelli calendar model who now works as a receptionist for A1 Motor Repairs. 'I'm fed up with customers telling me they remember me from the 1997 edition of the calendar and can they have a look at my legs again.

'It wouldn't be so bad if the customers washed their engines before bringing their cars in to be serviced, but I'm expected to wash the tea mugs up at the end of the day and there's nothing worse than having to clean the grease off them.'

She went on to say that there is no car fault these days that can't be repaired by using a phone app alongside a telephone appointment with an automotive technician. 'If someone thinks their motor has a problem, they only need to send us a photo of the engine and the technician can email them a prescription they can take to a motor factor to collect the parts needed.'

Josh Williams a senior automotive technician who now dresses in a cream suit in anticipation that the days of getting his hands dirty are over added, 'It enables us to branch out into telephone servicing of other things like boilers and washing machines, so it makes good business sense all round.

'We'll still ask anyone with something like a Lambourghini or McLaren to fetch it in and leave it with us, obviously. The lads would go on strike if they didn't didn't have something flash to go on dates in.'

Something Similar	It's a gift	Something Different
Tesla drivers overtake Audi drivers as the biggest pricks on UK roads	Make someone very happy	Your new house share inmate not fitting in how you hoped she might

Last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers" retires

The last of the "Downing Street Image Touslers", Janice Edwards, is to step down next week. Janice led a six-strong image management team put together to ensure the Prime Minister always had that 'just rolled out of someone else's bed' look.

"The team was set up right after he was elected. Some continuity was needed to maintain that trademark crumpled look - he referred to us as his touslers, and it sort of stuck, " confided Janice. "Initially, we had myself and Richard on hair and make-up, Carole and Laura on jackets, ties and shirts, and Garry and Katriona on trousers".

"Poor Kat. In those early days, we really didn't know how ... er ... potently fecund the PM was. Working in close proximity to 'wee Boris' , even through several layers of fabric, was enough for her to end up pregnant. We had to rotate the assignments and beef up the PPE. Then Jeanne had a couple of scares, and within six months, a third of the team was on maternity leave. Even Garry started complaining of ovulation pains."

With the COVID lockdown, the much-reduced team found their tasks far more stressful, with the PM having to tousle himself - under close Zoom supervision - for long periods of 2020.

"If you look back through the briefings, you can see that the quality of the tousle suffered dramatically", confided Janice. "This was a terrible time for us as we literally watched all our hard work unravel in front of the whole country."

The decision was eventually made to disband the Touslers early this year, with Janice remaining on to help train up their replacement - consisting of a number of ex-Warrington Wolves rugby league players in NBC suits, a couple of stout ropes, and a length of hawthorn hedge.

"It lacks finesse, but it is effective, and - hopefully - no more pregnancies."

Something Similar	On sale now	Something Different
Hansel and Gretel accuse Witch of landlordism	in eBook, paperback and hardback format	COP creators confirm number 27 in the franchise