Alex Salmond still thinks he won

Seen high-fiving party balloons, in nothing but a tiara and towelling dressing gown, the Crown Prince of Aberdeenshire East appeared oblivious to the democratic will of the Scottish people. Speaking to reporters the First Minister has claimed that two million Independence votes had been spoilt by ‘…putting the cross in the wrong box’.


Many seemed surprised as he was joined on stage by a Native American civil rights activist and a weeping Gwyneth Paltrow. Clutching a gold statuette to his chest, Mr. Salmond gushed that he would like to thank his agent, the members of the academy and he ‘couldn’t wait’ to see Alastair Darling’s head on a spike outside his new Balmoral residence.


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