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Cows urged to retrain for new careers in post-beef world

Now that herds have to be broken up to avert climate change, cows have been urged to look for a "new social and cultural role". There are already reports of menacing gangs of unemployed Anguses and Herefords roaming the countryside. Klaus Schwab of the World Economic Forum has suggested looking for jobs as extras in Western movies or joining safari parks or circus acts.

"I've been looking for walk-on roles in Westerns", says one newly redundant cow, "but there seems to be a no-flatulence clause in every contract. That's hard to reconcile with the gassy prairie diet. Down at the job centre they even told me I could reinvent myself as a nursery rhyme character. I'm a 1500lb ruminant with an average walking speed of 2mph. How on earth am I supposed to jump over the moon?"

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