Refuse conservationists have warned that marine life is finding its way into the planet's oceans of plastic. "This is a concerning development," said Professor Clive Collins from the Institute of Secretly Getting Paid Shitoalds By Fossil Fuel Interest Groups. "At this stage we can't say whether marine life entering our delicate and fragile microplastic ecosystems could be harmful to humans, or ineed the entire planet.
"More research is needed. And by that I mean more funding so that my colleagues and I can live ever more plastic-based lavish lifestyles, while we pretend to do important things by holding up conical flasks of coloured liquids, and looking serious while stroking our chins.
"One thing is for sure, it is a disgusting and unsightly development, and the governments of the world need to act urgently to prevent this marine life situation spiralling out of control. If we don't see a significant change in our behaviour, we could be overrun with dolphins and shit, and everyone needs to come together and work hard to prevent that.
"This is the bit where I use words like 'catastrophic disaster' and phrases like 'imagine turning your tap on at home and finding a blue whale in your glass'. Our PR guy insists it will get us a lot more coverage for our cause and scare people into immediate action. But seriously, this could cause severe harm to the non-biodegradable thermo-setting microplastic ecology we have spent decades cultivating."