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Early exit polls suggest that the majority of votes will be ironic

Rather than marking their ballot with an ‘X’, most voters will be opting this year for some sort of scribbled profanity or a more traditional ‘cock and balls’. Polls are now predicting the largest gain will not be made by the Conservatives or Labour Party but by the ‘abstract notion of melancholy’.

Most people will awake on May 11th faced with worst case of last night regrets. One pollster suggested: ‘We anticipate a big swing from hubris to ennui; with many constituencies falling into a listless dissatisfaction leading to inevitable self-harming. Or maybe UKIP. It’s pretty much the same thing’.

One voter said: ‘I’ll be casting my vote mainly as a joke. I’m just not sure who the joke is on?’

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