Speaking from his start-of-the-art Anderson shelter, he said: ‘In recent months, I’ve been accused of looking furtive, suffering from uncontrollable sweats and hording canned goods. I want to put those fears to rest, along with any plans you might have had for Christmas.
‘I’m just spending more time with my family and the cockroach over-lords, who will have inevitably take control of the nuclear wasteland. And I reject the suggestion that I’m a rat leaving a sinking ship. How many rodents do you know who can abandon a vessel while wearing a hazmat suit?’