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Furlough scheme to be replaced with ‘hopes and prayers’

More than a million workers are expected to lose their subsidized pay and instead be expected to be renumerated with gold coins, found at the end of a rainbow. Employers have been told they need to make up any shortfall, using unicorn tears and parts of The Maltese Falcon.

A spokeswoman for Works & Pensions explained: ‘Applicants just need to track down King Pellinore’s Questing Beast for the form, get it counter-signed by the Loch Ness Monster and Amelia Earhart’. All correspondence should be addressed to Narnia.

‘Over the years we have found that hopes and prayers are more effective than any meaningful action. Those on low pay can apply to receive the circles, that you find, in the windmills of your mind.’

One worker said: ‘I was told there was good news and bad news. The bad news was, I was being paid with thin air. The good news was, there was lots of it’.

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