Pistorius had 'shoot to kill' policy for those mistaking the hand towel for the face towel.



A lawyer explained: 'Our client is a fastidious individual, who perhaps has a much more heightened view of acceptable rest-room behaviour. That Mr. Pistorius holds people to a higher standard should be applauded. If only more of us were willing to recklessly employ firearms, then perhaps people would stop leaving hair in the plughole and remembering to flush’.


Much had been made in the press that the Paralympian had been seen firing a gun in a restaurant. Friends of Pistorius explained that this was a perfectly normal occurrence in reaction to the wine being served at room temperature, the wrong ratio of green to black olives and the serviette 'not being folded into a swan'.


His lawyer continued: 'My client helpfully provided a laminated, thirty-eight-point notice instructing users of his bathroom on acceptable conduct. The tragic death of Reeva Steenkamp could have been avoided if only she had remembered the golden rule (number 12A) to switch the sink and not the over-head light on. It was this social faux pas that led my client to reach the natural conclusion that an intruder was using the bidet. You must remember that apartheid era saw stringent toilet protocols in South Africa, and Mr. Pistorius is just a product of these long-held prejudices.'


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