Public devastated to discover MP not a paedophile

Despite prominent ministers being implicated, it turns out your own creepy MP is ‘nonce-free’. Being the only person in Westminster capable of passing a CRB/DBS check, your MP is now cleared to babysit your teenagers, breastfeed your infants and deliver parcels down your chimney.

Said one concerned voter: ‘He’s been fiddling with the curriculum for years, I just assumed he was also fiddling with the kiddies. The thought that he’s destroying our education system without being a pervert, beggars belief!’

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