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Sunak wonders if he could dispose of Starmer in gulag

Following Vladimir Putin’s imprisonment and murder of political opponent Alexis Navalny, a team of top Tory strategists, contemplating complete electoral wipeout later this year, is wondering whether there might be any possibility of disposing of Keir Starmer the same way. 

'We always call ourselves the natural party of government,' said party strategist Crispin Bentley. 'Surely it’s not too much of a leap from that to say that opposing us is treason? Is it?'

Having concluded the legal groundwork, discussion then moved on to where the gulag could be situated. Scotland, though it has the worst weather, was thought to be too anti-Tory for brutal guards to be hired from the local population. In the end, the choice was for Batley and Spen, one of the so-called 'red wall' traditionally Labour constituencies that came over to the Tories in 2019.

'Of course, this rather limits us in the choice of intimidating nicknames for the camp,' admitted Bentley. 'Polar Wolf’ would be a bit ridiculous for somewhere in Yorkshire. It’ll have to be something like ‘By ‘eck, it’s right parky out’.'

They then considered whether they would need to actually murder Starmer, or whether the brutal conditions - the constant drizzle, being given nothing but parkin, tripe and mushy peas to eat - would do the job for them.

'Hang on though, isn’t he from the north? A lot of these Labour chaps are, you know. He might be completely used to these conditions. Maybe we should imprison him in Henley-on-Thames and feed him nothing but caviar and smoked salmon.'

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