Police are searching for the government minister responsible for preparing the Tory Party election manifesto as he is missing and not responding to calls from the PM, who wanted to know if the manifesto was ready for printing yet.
James Bovine-Manure MP, the Minister for Fairy Tales, was last seen propping up one of the Commons bars. It’s rumoured he may have left to buy a packet of cigarettes, as he’d been unsuccessfully asking MPs if they could lend him a couple of fags, before calling them all tight bastards.
An unprecedented number of police have been taken off scroat-catching duties to search for the missing minister. CCTV footage is being studied, but so far to no avail. A police spokesbeing said they are concerned he may have harmed himself, as he’d read a novel in which an author with writer’s block and a deadline to meet had done this. A search of the minister’s office revealed a waste paper bin full of screwed up sheets of paper covered in doodles and a desk pad with the single word “fucksache” written on it.
We spoke to an author of children’s fiction we met in the pub, and asked if he’d ever suffered from writer’s block. He said, 'Sometimes, when I can’t afford to put the heating on and my fingers freeze up.' He went on to explain that he specialises in fantasy novels and that, when his home is too cold, he visits the pub to warm up and have a skinful. Then he returns home to get spaced out on LSD before he starts work. He said that the bloke who writes the Tory manifestos probably does the same, even if he has a nice warm office to work in.
As we parted company, he gave us his card. He said that if the Minister for Fairy Tales doesn’t turn up, and only because his kids were starving, he could do with a bit of overtime writing a Tory manifesto, if they are stuck for someone to do it.
Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay