As the football season draws near, Premiership teams have been frustrated in their efforts to sign top players. Scientists at Maastricht University think they may have the answer and all for the cost of a Happy Meal Deal. Taking stem cells from ‘two short planks’ they have turned them into strips of dense muscle, which when inflated with vanity becomes a fully formed midfielder.
Previous attempts to create footballers from a combination of root-vegetables, tarmac and pubic hair resulted in a rather unsettling Wayne Rooney. Should the scheme prove successful Jose Mourinho has agreed to release John Terry back in to the wild, where he will be able roam free delighting players and wives with his notorious tackle.
In a statement, animal welfare campaigners PETA said: ‘Footballers are distant cousins of the homo-sapiens and should be considered sentient. It’s important that they are kept in simple mansions, regularly coiffured and surrounded by primary colours.’