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You can return to the office- you just won't have the petrol to get home

Reports suggest that fuel shortages are part of a wider strategy to ensure the UK's workers remain at their desks. Other policies to ensure you stay at work include hiding your shoes, locking all the doors and putting superglue on your keyboard.

A government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Petrol rationing will allow you to get into the office, but no further. Once you’ve arrived, large elastic bands will be tied to the back of your vehicle. Your tires will be let down. And we’ll be hurling your car keys into a nearby canal.’

To stop workers demanding flexible working hours, the government is bringing in inflexible travel conditions: ‘Ever wondered why offices have their lights on at night, it’s to fool you into thinking it’s still daytime. A shortage of petrol? After sleeping in office for a week, I’d be more worried about a shortage of socks’.

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