The three blind mice made famous in the popular nursery rhyme have been stripped of their disability benefits, the Department for Work and Pensions confirmed today. [read...]
A left-wing IS splinter cell has today declared an Islamic socialist caliphate in a bid to halt the plight of jobless jihadis and bombers on the breadline. [read...]
‘If their tragic multiple victims are also on benefits, then we have a win-win situation’ [read...]
Conservative think tanks have reached the conclusion that Britain could be purged of an unwanted 95% of the population, if we only we embraced the ‘golden opportunity’ offered by recent extreme weather conditions. [read...]
Families legally claiming benefits under Britain’s welfare system have officially joined Kim Jung-un of North Korea and President Ahmadinejad of Iran to form part of the so-called ‘Axis of Evil’ threatening Western democracy. [read...]
The maximum amount a family can receive in welfare benefits a year has been raised to £33 million, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has announced. [read...]
‘Well, isn’t that what you said you wanted?’ says Boris. ‘That’ll pay for those hundreds of new trees and the planting of thousands of new hospitals every week or whatever it was we’ve promised this week’ [read...]
While five new sports, including ‘Sepp Blatter Accounting’, are set to be added to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, impoverished activities like ‘ultra-privation’ or ‘uber-penury’ are unlikely to make the cut. In fact, according to the World Bank, [read...]
Jacob Rees-Mogg – the seven-foot, six-stone toff guy in the crew that Boris Johnson put together for the Balmoral job – has reacted with genteel gusto and slender vigour to the Supreme Court’s guilty verdict on a charge of scamming a wealthy old lady and nobbling her business in Westminster. [read...]
As he emerged from his humble shed in his Cotswold back garden, a blushing David Cameron was carried on the shoulders of grateful voters towards the bookshops where eager readers were already eagerly reading and nodding in agreement with every word. [read...]
North Korean president Kim Jong-un has proposed a solution to the Brexit crisis by dividing Britain along the ’54th parallel’, with the southern half exiting the EU and the northern half staying inside it. Some have responded sceptically to the idea of following the guidance certified lunatic dictator with no regard for his nation’s welfare… [read...]
ITV are under pressure to bring the tabloid talk-show host back for a one off episode, featuring Jeremy Kyle interviewing Jeremy Kyle. Having had his show cancelled due to the suicide of one of his guests, [read...]
As retailer Co-op raise the bar in the race to entice customers over the supermarket threshold by replacing plastic bags with compostable bags, Tesco has gone one huge leap further by offering every customer in a Birmingham store their own Kangaroo-for-life. [read...]
The ‘Go Bananas’ monkey sanctuary in Dorset is at the centre of criticism from both animal welfare experts and visitors, after it was revealed that an initiative to provide cutting-edge, 21st century facilities for resident primates encountered a series of problems. [read...]
A mother has bought her teenage son a Nike balaclava to prevent him getting a head cold when he goes out stabbing. Melissa Hargreaves became concerned for her 16 year-old son’s welfare after he contracted a series of colds last winter while out terrorising the neighbourhood with his fellow gang members. [read...]
A Mr Harry Wales has applied for a green card, which will allow him to live and work in the United States, an immigration officer in New York has revealed. ‘He appears to be qualified,’ [read...]
Documents released under the one thousand year rule have revealed that the referendum carried out by Britons in 1016 now show the King, King Ethelred, was actually extremely ready, despite the eventual vote ending up split 52% to 48% to the opposite. [read...]
Nigel Farage has once again given voice to the unspoken thoughts of the majority by claiming children’s television is being infiltrated by EU propaganda. ‘Our children are being brainwashed,’ he said. ‘They don’t have a chance – [read...]
National treasures Ant and Dec are to be given to the EU as part of a deal which will see David Cameron secure key concessions on welfare payments to immigrants. The move comes after Polish delegates stormed out of negotiations after the Prime Minister’s opening offer of the Chuckle Brothers and Bonnie Langford appeared to have backfired. [read...]
‘In stable number 6 we had a radio, tv, everything. Back in Piraeus my bank had just repossessed the stereo – what did I have to lose?’ [read...]
