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Socialist jihadis declare Islamic Welfare State
A left-wing IS splinter cell has today declared an Islamic socialist caliphate in a bid to halt the plight of jobless jihadis and bombers on the breadline. [read...]
Search for: welfare
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Conservatives call for more ‘welfare murders’
‘If their tragic multiple victims are also on benefits, then we have a win-win situation’ [read...]
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Welfare Budget could be reduced with Biblical Floods
Conservative think tanks have reached the conclusion that Britain could be purged of an unwanted 95% of the population, if we only we embraced the ‘golden opportunity’ offered by recent extreme weather conditions. [read...]
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Three ‘blind’ mice lose disability benefits in welfare crackdown
The three blind mice made famous in the popular nursery rhyme have been stripped of their disability benefits, the Department for Work and Pensions confirmed today. [read...]
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Cameron adds welfare recipients to ‘Axis of Evil’
Families legally claiming benefits under Britain’s welfare system have officially joined Kim Jung-un of North Korea and President Ahmadinejad of Iran to form part of the so-called ‘Axis of Evil’ threatening Western democracy. [read...]
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Government raises maximum welfare benefit cap to £33,000,000
The maximum amount a family can receive in welfare benefits a year has been raised to £33 million, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has announced. [read...]
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Ethelred was ‘actually ready’, new report finds
Documents released under the one thousand year rule have revealed that the referendum carried out by Britons in 1016 now show the King, King Ethelred, was actually extremely ready, despite the eventual vote ending up split 52% to 48% to the opposite. [read...]
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Cameron hits back at Miliband with Jim Davidson interview
In a bid to snatch back public attention from Labour’s Ed Miliband, who this week enthused the young electorate with his casual chat with hipster Russell Brand, PM David Cameron has released footage of a ‘laid back chin wag’ with former funny man and casual racist, [read...]
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Dutch kids to be exposed to danger to teach them about life; scientists disagree
Politicians in Holland are exposing children to the dangers and horrors of life in an effort to teach them self reliance and discipline. However, scientists are at odds with these methods, saying that exposing them to such danger won’t help prepare them for the real world of safe space zones, [read...]
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Merkel launches ‘Frank Bank’ as final solution to Eurozone crisis
In the wake of financial woes in the Eurozone, it has now been confirmed that Angela Merkel has launched a new German led European ‘Frank Bank’. [read...]
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Cleese sues Fawlty Towers for making the rest of his career look bad
Having threatened to sue an Australian theatre company for a ‘shameless rip-off’ of his award-winning comedy show, John Cleese has been forced to take out a similar injunction against his own creative output over the last forty years. [read...]
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GCHQ ‘thought it was SNL’
Britain’s GCHQ has denied tapping Trump Towers :’There was no targeted surveillance. We can, however, confirm that a bored analyst was ‘channel hopping’ and had stopped to observe Saturday Night Live for a little light relief. [read...]
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Free range eggs may lose disability allowance
Downing Street has made it clear that millions of eggs will lose their disability status. While many eggs claim to suffer from ‘mobility issues’, the Department for Works & Pensions has said that they are eligible for work as an omelette, [read...]
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Leicester City FC sack Corbyn
After an improbable leadership victory last season, the Premiership’s strugglers have chosen to part company with ‘the bearded wonder’. This is despite Corbyn having defied critics and bookies to take socialist ideas to the top of a league, [read...]
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NHS solves over-crowded corridors by ‘banning corridors’
Hospital managers are considering drastic action in the face of a health crisis and an even more worrying ‘PR sh$t-storm’. ‘We could just change the target,’ said an NHS spokesman. ‘But that would be deceitful, [read...]
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Britain braces itself for post-Brexit wave of scrounging ex-pats
Fears are growing that Britain may be swamped by a ‘grey wave’ of elderly migrants returning once European healthcare accords are abolished when Britain leaves the EU. About 75% of Britons settled in continental Europe are one untimely slip in the shower away from the Grim Reaper – [read...]
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Laura Kuenssberg recognised as REALLY hating Corbyn
Friends have grown concerned that the BBC’s political editor is letting her loathing of ‘allotment owning socialists’ get the better of her. Such is her disdain for all things Corbyn, that in interview she has been known to mockingly laugh at his replies, [read...]
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Stop confusing us, say Devil and Father Christmas
The Devil (commonly known as Old Nick) and Father Christmas (AKA Saint Nick) have written a joint letter to the Times stating ‘Neither of us is the other’.
‘This has been an embarrassment for years,’ grumbled the usually genial philanthropist. [read...]
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Suicide ‘an effective way’ to stop tax credits
With a concerted effort to depress the populace, tax credits could easily be replaced with a bottle of sleeping pills, while the welfare safety-net could be made into a fetching noose, the Adam Smith Institute said. [read...]
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Airport security staff told to stop taking life so seriously
Airport security staff have been told to chill the fuck out because most people don’t have bombs in their shoes. [read...]