In space, it turns out, everyone can hear you scream

"ARGHHHH! Which one of you bitches left a chocolate brownie finger smudge on my kale samples?"

Astronauts working at 320 miles above the Earth's surface in oxygen controlled environments can hear each other perfectly clearly, it turns out. They can even hear the farty sounds emerging from 'Pooh Corner'.

"Shit on it! I've just turned the release valve the wrong way."

Even on a space walk, everyone is well mic'd up, and the rest of the crew are all too aware that you've just buggered up the mission, and possibly just ended their lives.

"Will you stop bouncing that powerball off the ceiling you annoying little shite."

And the advanced radio systems beam back every last swear word, curse and 'domestic' spat to hundreds of people listening in at mission control.

"NOOOO! Not the red lever..."

But it doesn't end there. TV broadcasts and live streams all over the world wide web ensure that potentially millions of people are listening in to your spacey soap opera expletives. The young children of Wheelock County Primary School just heard mission Commander Rogers scream his last breath as he was thwooped out of the spacelab hatch.

Now, finally, peace and quiet. No one has to listen to him bang on about how untidy the sleeping area is. Even though you can't actually leave mess lying around in zero gravity.

GB News becomes a credible alternative to NewsBiscuit

The competitive market of fake news has been blown wide open by the launch of GB News, under the slogan 'If no one has heard of it, it must be true’. The gammon equivalent of ‘TISWAS’, GB sets out to prove once and for all, that the Earth is flat.

With an editorial slightly to the right of Genghis Khan, GB prides itself on maverick journalists, for whom a spell check is more vital than a fact check. It will be fronted Andrew Neil, who was turned down by The Onion for being too implausible and by The Beano, for having ridiculously drawn hair.

NewsBiscuit and GB will be competing for the same market share of gullible readers; with both media outlets unconcerned by their poor production value, ill-educated staff or lack of shame. Said our Editor: 'We use more d$ck jokes, whereas they employ a more laughable collection of d$ckheads.'

Hat-tip Sir Lupus

Met Police behind rigged Eurovision voting system

After yet another enquiry finds the Metropolitan police institutionally corrupt/racist/violent (delete as applicable), it is feared they may have had a hand in other corruption; such as Las Vegas slot machines, Trump’s tax returns and the reason your dish washer breaks down the day after its insurance has lapsed. It is hard to tell how widespread the malfeasance is, but what is clear is that ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ could not have got three seasons, without significant police interference.

Commissioner Cressida Dick has come under fire and not just for having a name that sounds like a venereal disease from a Greek tragedy. In fact, complaints against the Met have become institutionally predictable, while the public have become institutionally jaded by the whole affair.

When not covering up murders, the Met Police like to unwind by bashing female protestors, kettling children or the odd extrajudicial shooting. Asked if the Met had been involved in the bank system or election rigging, a spokeswoman said: ‘We’re crooked but not that crooked’.