Wallet Inspectors to be nationalized

Having spent the last three decades working in the private sector, the UK Government has finally decided to renationalize the nation’s gullible. A Minister explained: ‘Too long has private industry exploited the vulnerable and that’s our job. Now, if you could just give me your bank details and passwords, we can really get this going’,

The job of a Wallet Inspector is to ensure that wallets are not over-filled with unnecessary banknotes and to save the public from the burden of cumbersome wealth. They work tirelessly across various sectors of the economy, particularly in the gambling industry and LBC Radio.

One successful Inspector, David Miliband (CEO of the charity International Rescue), welcomed the opportunity to double his $1m salary. A friend said: ‘David feels that profiting from charitable donations is just the start of something more ambitious and immoral’.

During Austerity, the UK’s Wallet Inspectors were particularly successful in closing down your village hospital, bailing out the banks with your money and removing the word ‘sucker’ from the dictionary. One Inspector commented: ‘It’s a free service. We provide the bait. The hook, the line and the sinker. All you need to do is sign right here. Don’t worry about the small print’.

UK holiday resorts 'infested' with middle class tw*ts

Much to the horror of regular holiday makers, the middle class have been descending upon UK beaches and holiday resorts desperate to pretend it is 'just like' their usual foreign holiday.

Like many nauseating middle class families, Ingrid and Thomas usually take a half term break to the Algarve with their three children, Atticus, Ruben and Cassius - but this year have been forced to slum it at a UK holiday resort.

'We had heard horrible things about staying in the UK and if anything it is even worse than we imagined' explains a tearful Ingrid 'poor Atticus visibly retched when he had to use the public lavatories by the seafront and Cassius cried into his Mr Whippy when he realised it wasn't organic. It's been a real shock for all of us to see how poor people holiday. But the boys have been so brave - quality family time is what matters to them really'.

Ruben, the eldest of the three children, says: 'It's total sh*t. The people here make me feel physically sick. I cannot wait to go home'.

Thomas, an investment banker, sees this holiday as 'giving back' to the community: 'I loved seeing the faces of the working class as we rocked up in our BMW iX3 with premier edition trim and aerodynamic alloy wheels, what a treat for them. They're so grateful we are investing in their local economy, splashing our cash at the ice cream van and the local coffee shop. Of course the coffee and ice cream taste like total sh*t, but that isn't the point. It's about supporting these local business. I'm basically like Gandhi around here'.

The Smith family, who have been holidaying in the UK since 2008, aren't quite so positive about the newcomers: 'What an awful bunch of middle class tw*ts. The place is bloody infested with these jumped up arseholes. We can't wait until restrictions are lifted and they can all bugger off abroad again. All they do is clog up the bloody coffee shop and ice cream van - no they don't do sodding frapiato-mocha-chino or homemade organic ice cream. Now piss off'.

Man constipated on seasonings takes laxative just to pass the thyme

More later.