Office weather banter due to reach peak banality this afternoon

Forecasters are warning that annoying weather-talk will reach a new high this afternoon at around 3pm. Office bores and bosses without imagination are due to mention the heat and refer to their iPhone temperature apps as often as every 10 minutes in some UK cities.

Met Office spokesperson Gillian McMillan said: “Office workers need to brace themselves for banter that includes phrases like ‘It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity’, ‘It’s hotter than Ibiza’ and ‘Maybe we should invest in air conditioning one day’. All of which will sap the already limp office atmosphere.”

To take shelter from poor quality chat, people are advised to wear headphones, steer clear of elevators where possible and to avoid calling the IT Helpdesk.

Gary Harris from the Unite union says workers should also be aware that bosses often use poor quality weather talk as an excuse to manipulate workers. “On days like today, many workers are bought things like free ice creams in order to distract them from the fact their boss is a dick. We’d like to remind workers that although you may now have a free ice cream, your boss is still a dick.

“You will be able to tell how much a dick your boss is by the number of times he says phrases like ‘there is no maximum temperature before we have to send you home’ and ‘the heat really IS on now, eh team?’.

Sir Keir Starmer tells his confused dermatologist that he is going to 'sweat blood' #keith

More later

Man only booked holiday to cause scene at airport about having to wear mask

Serial complainer and seasoned scene causer Darren Bates, aged 43 from Preston, achieved what he claimed to be a personal best yesterday after being forcibly removed from Manchester Airport by security following a tedious two-hour stand-off with staff over his refusal to put a mask on.

As soon as Bates heard on the news that the airport will be continuing to ask people to wear masks even after the legal requirement to do so ends, he knew it was an opportunity to make a public nuisance of himself that he couldn’t afford to miss. Bates randomly booked a last-minute deal without even bothering to check the destination, and eagerly set off for the airport with a self-righteous grin spread across his fully exposed face.

Bates explained later that he tries to “choose his battles wisely” and usually only exercises his fundamental human right to be an awkward, petty gobshite with the most puny and inexperienced looking customer service personnel, and strategically picks fights with people whose jobs depend on them resisting the urge to punch him repeatedly in the head. On this occasion, his strategy backfired with the arrival of several large and formidable members of airport security who intervened after his refusal to don a face covering before boarding his flight was about to enter its third hour. The situation escalated into a very short-lived physical confrontation, which resulted in Bates being tasered by security staff and falling to the floor in a crumpled heap, soiling himself in the process.

The self-proclaimed ‘defender of civil liberties’ regained consciousness in a pool of his own urine outside the airport, just in time to see his plane taking off without him, almost three hours behind schedule, which Bates takes full credit for. Although he will be missing his holiday, he won’t be getting a refund and he may face criminal charges, Bates said he has “no regrets” about his actions. Bolstered by what he described as a “huge victory”, Bates revealed that, after nipping home to change his underpants, he is planning to go to London, a city he has never visited before, to protest about having to wear a mask on the tube.