Police chief warns that there is a critical shortage of trouser inspectors

Chief of Trouser Inspection, Superintendent Clive Johnson-Johnson has warned that there is a severe shortage of inspectors in the Trouser Police. "The situation is critical and we are facing a trouser collapse. There are just not enough young trainees in the trouser service recruitment system and our aging workforce means that we are approaching a retirement cliff edge. Retirement trouser levels are going up and up, and nobody wants to see that."

"There is a particular problem in the area of hotel snobbery dining, where attire regulation is, quite rightly, unjustifiably strict. Sometimes we have to provide up to two inspectors per venue during the peak summer season, when there is an increased threat of chancers turning up in long shorts, knee-length stockings and loafers. Those who engage in that kind of disgraceful law-breaking behaviour really should know by now that they are not going to get past our finest on the thin brown line."

"We had already taken a belt and braces approach to what everyone could see coming. Our world-pioneering exchange agreement with Bermuda, where they have significantly lower trouser inspection requirement, has been completely exhausted. This coupled with some worrying trends we are seeing, particularly with a sharp growth in flyless fashions like onesies, could leave us with nowhere to go."

"And I would just like to dispel any myths which might be discouraging young perverts from joining the service. We are under strict orders from the Home Office to enforce policies some have called controversial and discriminatory. No one should be under any illusions. Stop and reach around really does work."

Cyclists demand the right to weave erratically through traffic

Cyclists have expressed their disappointment at the Government’s plans for more cycle lanes to be installed in Britain’s towns and cities, as it will discourage them from being irresponsible mounted menaces. They argue that the plans will prevent them from zigzagging unpredictably between lanes of slow-moving traffic, zooming along between stationary vehicles and the kerb, and forming up into convoys to wind up motorists.

‘The government needs to recognise that donning multi-coloured Lycra and a cycling helmet with little flashing lights on it makes me invincible and entitles me to act as if I own the road,’ explained Robert Keith, a keen cyclist and member of no cycling organisations whatsoever. ‘Even though I pay no road tax, unlike all other road users’, he added.

Traditionally, cyclists have always had little regard for their own safety or the safety of others. They often argue that their healthy lifestyle choice allows them to ignore traffic lights, proceed the wrong way along one-way streets and cut across pavements full of pedestrians at high speed. Relegating cyclists to separate tracks away from everyone else will curtail such customary recklessness immeasurably it is claimed.

The government are determined to press ahead with the scheme, however. They argue that more cycle lanes will increase air quality and lower noise pollution in the nation’s urban areas, most noticeably through a reduction in other road users shouting abuse at thoughtless, careless cyclists.

Baroque musicians taking work when they can get it in the new Gigue Economy

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