‘There’s no room for football in racism’, bigots confirm

Following widespread condemnation of the online abuse hurled at three England players after their Euro 2020 final defeat, the nation’s bigots have hit back by renouncing football as the primary platform for their racist rhetoric.

In response to scathing criticism from the FA and England Manager Gareth Southgate, and a slightly vague, non-committal ticking off from the Prime Minister, racists across the country have now united against football. A statement issued by the newly formed group, Racism Against Football, asserted that, “football will no longer be tolerated in any form” as an outlet for attacking people “who don’t look like they’re from round here”.

The group were unable to issue any further updates on their plans, however, as their Facebook and Twitter accounts were permanently blocked two minutes after their initial statement was published.

Children as young as four using adverbs, report warns

Local councils are being asked to do more following a damning new survey that claims children as young as four are regularly using adverbs in general conversation.

And far from having no understanding of their meaning or grammatical usage, experts now fear that children have a pretty good understanding of when to use them.

"It's shocking really," one parent, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "You talk to them like a child for years, and then - bang - they're using words even you can't understand."

Some claim they are picking up this language from older siblings, or from playground chatter, others fear that the internet is responsible for this rapid growth in descriptive vocabulary. Concerned parents are advised to install an adverb-blocker in their web browser.

Sally, 28, with her five year old daughter Emily, repeated the frustrations of many. "My Emily is an Angel, but I really get upset when she starts using words that are really beyond her years. For example, the other day she started asking about what would happen to her pet rabbit Fluffy since the whole universe was decaying into an orderless state due to entropy."

"Mummy, don't be upset.", Emily chimes in, " - and it's 'disordered state', not orderless,"

"Fortunately, I have still not caught her using adverbs. ", Sally continues, " I'm very careful to make sure she doesn't pick up anything from me - I'd never knowingly use one in front of her."

Woman Successfully Buys Bra Online

Experienced bosom owner Sally Jones achieved the once in a lifetime triumph this week of buying a bra online which fitted her actual form, the actual shape she is now, rather than a shape she has been in the past, or may be in future, or might belong to a hypothetical woman that is not her.

Her day began as usual, with her putting on her old faithful pink T-shirt bra which has gone a bit tatty and which she finds the straps slip down on a bit more often than they used to. In the back of her mind she was aware she’d ordered some up top smalls from M&S but she never hoped for one moment that this would be a successful transaction. She was fully expecting to be in the Post Office queue returning the tit pants on Saturday morning.

When the package arrived she ignored it for an hour, knowing that never in all her years of having lady bumps to dress and a computer have the two aligned usefully. Bras bought online are always too tight, too loose or too lumpy, leading to a sort of slightly rude Goldilocks type scenario but without disgruntled bears.

Eventually Sally Jones thought she may as well either cram her coconuts into something too small or let her sin cushions dangle as unsupported as a female MP who wants decent maternity leave. Sally carefully opened the package, ready for re-sealing it when her new bra had failed her, and was pleased by the lovely pistachio colour which had looked a bit different on the internet because they do, don’t they?

She took off old faithful and noticed that the old guard and the new recruit seemed on the face of it to be of similar dimensions. She could still breathe after doing up new bra and when she looked in the mirror was astounded to see that her jubblies were well contained, with no pinching, overhang or spare space. “It’s a titty bonanza!” exclaimed Sally.