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More than a million workers are expected to lose their subsidized pay and instead be expected to be renumerated with gold coins, found at the end of a rainbow. Employers have been told they need to make up any shortfall, using unicorn tears and parts of The Maltese Falcon.
A spokeswoman for Works & Pensions explained: ‘Applicants just need to track down King Pellinore’s Questing Beast for the form, get it counter-signed by the Loch Ness Monster and Amelia Earhart’. All correspondence should be addressed to Narnia.
‘Over the years we have found that hopes and prayers are more effective than any meaningful action. Those on low pay can apply to receive the circles, that you find, in the windmills of your mind.’
One worker said: ‘I was told there was good news and bad news. The bad news was, I was being paid with thin air. The good news was, there was lots of it’.
Literary scholars were disappointed to find that a hidden trove of nonsensical ramblings was not the work of Edward Lear but were, instead, the fevered cheese dreams of Sajid Javid. The Health Secretary’s plans for easing Lockdown included owls wearing facemasks, administering vaccines with a runcible spoon and one dirty limerick about Michael Gove.
The first of many read… There was a patient from Nantucket Who had recently kicked the bucket Asked if he'd track & traced Said he didn't want to be placed And had told the NHS App to go f$ck it
Members of the public who were hopping for a coherent strategy, were told that facemasks were optional and that Covid only affected those who were Sagittarius. Javid concluded with a veiled reference to his predecessor...
There was a door that had no lock
So covered the knob with a sock
But we could still see
Because of CCTV
The knob belonged to Matt Hancock
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