Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday

A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight's holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.

Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, killing or injuring more than half of the population.

A doctor in a local hospital said: "It's been pretty grim here for a number of years. When we heard that British people wouldn't be able to jet off to Benidorm due to uncertainty over the traffic light system, we couldn't just stand by and do nothing. So we're offering cheap accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.

"Of course, there's a pretty good chance they'll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad's forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets, but at least the weather's good at this time of year, and they'll go home with a healthy tan.'

A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office said, "We don't recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you're pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition, in which case, your body could conceivably end up like those piled high in our own streets during the third wave, although the prime minister has assured the country that this may or may not be the case if we all use our British common sense."

We'll give up everything to save Earth - except cars, planes, meat, etc

In light of the UN's damning climate change report, politicians have demanded that we all look concerned and nod in a sage-like way. Everyone agreed it was really important to do something, provided it was not now and not them.

The public was encouraged to change their lifestyle but only if it is not too inconvenient. Foreign holidays would be cancelled unless they were going anywhere nice. Cars would be replaced by public transport, except when it involved buses or trains. Meals would be vegetarian only, with a side order of steak.

As one concerned citizen said: 'David Attenborough got me to give up plastic cocktail sticks, which was a toughy, as I normally drink pints. We should definitely do so something about the environment, and when I say we, I mean our grandchildren. Provided, of course, they're not already 10ft under the sea.’

Water companies apologise for not announcing water shortages during recent fine weather

National water suppliers have apologised for not automatically announcing a water shortage this year. Companies have cited a software glitch as the cause for the delay in the usual round of water shortage scaremongering.

'The new system, linked directly to the Meteorological Office, is supposed to automatically release a press release announcing water shortages at the merest hint of sunshine - it’s a much cheaper way of saving water than mending leaking pipes,' said a spokesperson. 'Unfortunately, the threshold settings were set incorrectly this year, so the system didn’t work.'

The companies have embarked on a joint million-pound project to fix this problem, to be paid for by a rise in domestic water rates. 'A hike in your monthly water bill will ensure that future drought warnings will be bang on time. In fact we might even forecast one in time for Christmas, just to make up for this years failure.'