Were you mis-sold a PFI or WMD by Tony Blair? You may be due some compensation

People of Afghanistan, you may be able to claim a cash settlement of up to £7.23, if you or a loved one were accidental killed in attempt to boost Tony Blair’s ego. If you were told that your country had WMD or Osama Bin Laden hiding in your attic, you may have been the victim of an elaborate fraud.

Were you offered infrastructure projects at vastly inflated prices, that never materialized? Does that sound familiar? Sadly, it was too late for the citizens of the UK, who already handed over £300bn, with the vague promise that Alastair Campbell would tarmac their drive.

Leading a notorious group of conmen, Blair tricked voters into three election victories, but by 2001 he was aiming for something bigger – a lap dance with George Bush. Be warned, Blair is still at large today, often using the fake ID of ‘Peace Envoy’. People of Afghanistan, if you think you may have been duped by him – join the queue.

UK Afghan Exit Strategy "modelled on Brexit". More soon

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Ear wax "endlessly fascinating" confirms Lancashire man

Jack Pickles of Blackpool has explained to his wife that the wax, and other items, pulled from his ears are things of incredible interest.

Mrs Pickles explained the revelation; "Whatever's going on; eating meals, watching TV or just chatting, if Jack finds something on his finger that's come out his his ear, he has to examine it. I'm sure he's got a collection somewhere."

Mr Pickles denied having a collection, although he admitted it was "a cracking idea."

Mrs Pickles has recently filed for divorce after the giant screen at a sports event showed him comparing two lumps and discussing them with the man next door.