Men confirm plans to eat absolutely loads of bread

Men have confirmed their plans to eat prodigious quantities of bread, in all its various forms.

This will include the consumption of some form of breaded product at every single meal, as well as topping up with bread-based snacks in-between, men everywhere noted today.

Men also stressed that where bread products are not naturally included with a meal, provisions will be made to add bread in, in the form of side-orders of rolls, pittas and naan breads, bread to mop up gravy and meat juice, bread to sandwich a piece of meat or fish between, and in extreme situations, breadsticks.

'It's actually hard to believe how much I love bread', confirmed Pete McBride, 47, between munches of a ridiculously large chunk of white farmhouse loaf. 'So far today, I've had a pain au chocolat and croissant for breakfast, a sarnie for lunch, a nice teacake mid-afternoon, and some garlic bread for tea - with a bit of pasta. I've got to go now, as it's actually nearly time for my three slices of toast before bed.'

In other news, men have revealed they will continue to eat frankly astonishing amounts of cheese, almost exclusively late at night.

Image: PixabayBelovedPrincss

Delay In Publishing Gray Report Just A Short Pause, While Hell Freezes Over

There have been calls from the Conservative back benches for an enquiry into why it the Met so long to initiate an investigation into the long delay in anyone calling for a report into the reasons why Her Majesty's Opposition have been so slow in demanding a Civil-Service-led enquiry into the hesitation by the police to investigate the long hold-up in the publication of the result of a study by any official of the reasons why any investigation of the appropriateness of appointing Sue Gray as the civil servant to carry out her eponymous report was a legitimate course of action by the prime minister.

There has been no confirmation of reports that attendees of a series of strictly-business-only Downing St. meeting to discuss the progress of investigations into these delays played dance music, wore paper hats and were served alcoholic drinks, things-on-cocktail-sticks, sausage rolls, biscuits and even - wait for it - celebratory cake.

Image: Pixabay/Mrskirstyholl

Labour promises a cap on life expectancy

Appealing to the right of his party, a spokesmen explained: ‘We can improve upon the Government’s record of making people ill. Rather than settle for a poorly funding NHS and an increasingly carcinogenic environment, Labour would tackle the underlying causes of health.

'We need to put an end to this entitlement culture, where everyone assumes that they deserve to live. Priority care will be given to those who have contributed longest; therefore, children under five years would not be eligible for health. We will offer a distinctive choice between dead and deader’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/fietzfotos-6795508/