The Devil is in the details

Local homeless families told to be less local and more homeless

The Department for Work and Pensions said: ‘Just like the urban fox, they’re an unwelcome nuisance. They will eat the contents of your bins and will often have sex in the street…for cash. Tolerable as traveling carnival folk, but not as neighbours. Should you suspect an indigent has moved into your local area, there is a Pest Control Service you can contact. Or just ask Katie Hopkins to spot their impecunious offspring by their ridiculous names, malnourished visage and their vestigial tails’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/lannyboy89-1289073/

Rees-Mogg: "There's no connection between Storm Eunice and trees being on the blown over"

Jacob Rees-Mogg has said that the large number of trees lying on their sides after having been upright the previous day has nothing to do with Storm Eunice. "Many benefits will flow from Eunice", said Mr Rees-Mogg, "and businesses should embrace the opportunities. Only this morning, I met a shopkeeper whose shop window now is mysteriously missing. I was able to explain that this will allow more customers to enter the shop. When I asked if that explained all the empty shelves, he gave me a rather unpleasant stare which I took for gratitude."

image from pixabay