Child slavery cheaper and ‘more ethical’ than Drama School

Hundreds of pushy middle-class parents and their talentless children were horrified to discover that Renaissance child actors were ‘kidnapped’. Rather than going through the torturous auditions, these street urchins were judged for their shapely calf muscle, instead of their narcissism and shallowness. True, they would have been sexually exploited, but in other respects it was entirely different from today’s Drama Schools.

One irate parent raged: 'I’ve attended numerous school plays, faked interest and faced bankruptcy just to get my Izzy into Sylvia Young. Are you telling me I could have had her kidnapped by a Ruff-wearing rough at a fraction of the cost?'

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Downing Street residents hit by cost of lying crisis

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Nation plans street parties to mark Boris' departure.

As the winter drags on, Britons the length and breadth of the UK are lifting their spirits by looking forward to the days of better weather, when they'll be able to gather in the sunshine and raise a glass to celebrate the final departure from Downing Street of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Champagne and prosecco importers are struggling to meet demand from people stocking up in advance, and the nation's party shops report a surge in orders for banners and balloons with 'Work Event' emblazoned across them.

Around the country, prospective party-goers have expressed a mix of excitement and trepidation about the big day. "I'm already looking forward to the Platinum Jubilee street parties, of course" said Tracy Smith of Nuneaton, "they'll be lovely for all the family. Nice. But the prospect of the Boris Bye Bye Bender is at a whole new level."

"Personally I hope he stays in the job a bit longer" said Jenny Thorpe of Littlehampton. "I mean, I want rid of him, don't get me wrong, but not until the weather's good enough for a proper knees-up in the street. We've waited this long, we can wait to do it properly."

"Exactly" echoed Arthur Jones of Doncaster. "Plus the longer he clings miserably to office, the funnier it is. Beats watching Strictly, I can tell you."

With hundreds of people still dying of COVID every day, doctors have echoed calls for people to put celebrations on hold, and have cautioned against large gatherings which could become 'super spreader' events. However it doesn't seem that this will deter many party goers. "Maybe there will be infections" conceded Mr Jones "But it feels like it's what he would've wanted."

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