Prisoners use potatoes as currency

In the wake of the proposed ban on smoking, inmates at Belmarsh are to adopt the humble ‘spud’ as the preferred medium of barter while in prison. One analyst explained: ‘There will be a period of adjustment in exchange rates and some quantitative easing involving oven chips, but we expect the ‘King Edward’ to become the gold standard for the prison economy’.

The ‘root vegetable coin’ offers the right balance of circulation, stable value and something that goes well with baked beans. The potato is unique in that it is loaded with complex carbohydrates and can be used as an improvised ‘shiv’ during a riot.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/couleur-1195798/

Snow to be banned, due to Russia connection

The Foreign Office explained: 'Technically snow has been around a little bit longer than Russia, but we needed a strong optic, to show the Ukraine we care - but not too much.

'Henceforth all snow will be banned from the UK and is to be replaced with grated coconut. All snowmen will be shot as spies. Ironically the chief exporter of coconut is based in Moscow, but its the performative gesture that counts'.

Image: Unsplash/Andrey Bond

Masterchef to commemorate Queen's Platinum Jubilee with meal of Coronavirus Chicken

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