Bob Geldof to save Africa while in space

A spokesman for UNICEF declared: ‘Nations ravaged by civil war and colonialism need, more than anything, one unwashed Irishmen 100km above the Earth.’

Bowing to pressure from the peoples of Africa, Mr. Geldof has agreed to selflessly pay £64,000 for a seat onboard a commercial space flight. ‘What could be more inspirational for a child dying of aids, than to know that ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ is playing in zero gravity?’

Sadly the £150 million of famine relief raised by Live Aid would have been better spent sending 200 millionaires into space. Fortunately, on this trip, Geldof has chosen not to squander the cost of one ticket, on the immunisation 2000 children. His accountant boasted: ‘It’s all tax deductible. And who wouldn’t want to see Bono fired into the sun?’

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/wikiimages-1897/

Epstein Island sold to Bond villain

The estate agent handling the sale said: 'It's quite a niche market, most buyers don't need that many dungeons. It would certainly work as an evil lair, as you could easily convert the 'pleasure pit' into a shark tank.

'We did have some interest from a Royal buyer, but he was £12m short. Bill Clinton and Bill Gates both made inquiries, but that was to make sure they had left no fingerprints.

'It's got fascinating history and an even more interesting FBI file. But we do advise the new owner not to use uv lighting in 90% of the rooms'.

Image: Pixabay/Tama66

Budget has something for everyone, says Sunak

The chancellor was quick to defend his Spring budget today saying it had something for absolutely everyone.

'As always, most of the measures in my budget will benefit the richest most. But I haven't forgotten everyone else. The squeezed middle will be squeezed again, and the most needy in society - well they'll get something too - increased debt, minimal increases in benefits, and the biggest fall in living standards for a couple of generations'.

'And don't forget the annual conundrum I've gifted to the most vulnerable in society once again - how are they going to make ends meet?'.

Image: Pixabay/csamhamer