Barristers now offer a range of bespoke services including the kidnapping of witnesses and ‘get out of jail free’ cards. Pupillage now entails six months of stealing the lead off church roofs. While one trainee lawyer, suffering from a ruptured colon, admitted to being used as a drug mule to smuggle a dozen ‘illicit gavels’ into Chambers.
One stenographer attested to seeing a barrister offering a 10% discount on perjury. The penal system is so woefully underfunded that many criminals have been forced to conduct their own trials – or The Leveson Enquiry as it is known in laymen’s terms.
The veteran presenter and professional cynic has quit BBC Two's Newsnight amid rumours that he had been pining like a dog on heat for the acerbic lothario. Since their interview, Jeremy Paxman has resorted to insipid poems, lovelorn sighs to camera and getting a knuckle tattoo of ‘I ♥ RB’. He has become putty in the bejewelled hands of philandering Brand.
One newsreader commented: ‘It’s not untypical to get besotted with the interviewee. Michael Parkinson embarked on a tempestuous affair with Rod Hull’s Emu in the late 70s. There was egg on his face when it came to an end’.
The BBC confirmed that he will continue to host University Challenge but insisted he must start asking questions other than ‘Who’s your favourite star in Forgetting Sarah Marshall?’, ‘Can Transcendental Meditation lead to true love?’ and ‘What’s the alarm code to Russell’s house?’.
