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Cuts to legal aid force barristers to a life of crime

Barristers now offer a range of bespoke services including the kidnapping of witnesses and ‘get out of jail free’ cards. Pupillage now entails six months of stealing the lead off church roofs. While one trainee lawyer, suffering from a ruptured colon, admitted to being used as a drug mule to smuggle a dozen ‘illicit gavels’ into Chambers.

One stenographer attested to seeing a barrister offering a 10% discount on perjury. The penal system is so woefully underfunded that many criminals have been forced to conduct their own trials – or The Leveson Enquiry as it is known in laymen’s terms.

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