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I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg



Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue.


Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.


'I think it's a public school thing, to be honest.


'We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.


'I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James's after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.


'I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.'


Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies' toilets.



Syria was sooooooo last year!


Once upon a time Syrians could expect to receive regular texts from the UN expressing concern, sad-faced selfies and detailed weapon's invoices. Now, foreign diplomats have the same memory lapses of a goldfish surrounded by brightly coloured string after a night of rohypnol and a blow to the head with a polo mallet.


Recently Reuters news agency defended its decision to replace Syrian coverage with adorable kitten photos. A Pentagon official remarked on the waning libido of UN observers: 'Syria is a snoozefest. It’s all ....blah, blah, blah... human rights....blah, blah, blah...torture. Maybe if Assad was to ride bare-chested on a camel? Any chance they could host the next Winter Olympics? Thought not.’




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