Should rare animals be doing anything other than solve erectile dysfunction?

A new species of, soon to be powdered, carnivore has excited impotent scientists and sufferers of limp noodle everywhere. Seconds after discovering the Olinguito, a team from the Smithsonian Institution had already established plans to employ it in sexual remedies, cosmetic experimentation and to transform it into a nice pair of shoes. Admittedly shares in ginseng have taken a tumble, but Black Rhinos said the news was not all bad.

‘We were not sure what we were seeing’, one zoologist confessed. ‘But my initial reaction was to shove the creature down my pants and to rub him on my floppy jalopy. It’s hard for me to explain how excited I am’. While other scientists were simply excited by how hard they will become.

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Met Police running low on fixed penalty notice supplies

Following Boris Johnson's trip to Kyiv and his promise to assist Zelenskiy with more weapons, the Met Police have sent almost their entire stock of fixed penalty notices to Ukraine. It is expected these will be put on Russian tanks parked on double yellow lines. As a consequence, the force has so far only been able to issue 50 fines to low-ranking Partygategoers.

The Met was unable to to say when it expects to get further supplies to replenish its stock, as they are apparently printed in the EU and may well be among the goods delayed by the queue of trucks waiting to board ferries.

Police Lego Policeman - Free photo on Pixabay

Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader

The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger, Geoffrey Boycott, as a replacement for outgoing Prime Minister, Imran Khan. Mr Khan's supporters are furious that he has been dropped and have taken to the streets, demanding action replays and use of the DRS.

Boycott has agreed to pad up and walk out to the crease and has promised to put Pakistan back on the world map.

"Khan was OK as a one day Prime Minister, or even a 20-20 leader but, on the big occasions, he needed to use his skills better and put in much more effort. He needed more games and not just on Sunday afternoons", he told our reporter.

He continued, "Khan has had a terrible innings. My grandmother could have done a better job than that."

Boycott is said to have already put together a Trophy Cabinet, his first eleven, which includes Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, and Dickie Bird as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Boycott's grandmother was unavailable for comment.

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