Disappointment for Turner Prize hopeful

Johnson looking for donor to pay his fine

With Russian donors sanctioned, the Conservatives are turning to Lords and Ladies of the Realm to pay their Partygate fines. 'It is unconscionable for a sitting Prime Minister to be found guilty of breaking laws he created and expect him to pay the penalty,' suggested a Conservative spokesman. A number 10 spokesman has suggested that an offcut from the living room wallpaper could be used in lieu of actual payment.

In the meantime the Prime Minister, who has suggested there might be a tear in the space/time continuum, has insisted that a special scientific enquiry should be undertaken to prove or disprove the theory. 'Should only take about ten years to appoint suitable people to run the enquiry, and another fifty to build a time distorting machine to test the theory, plus maybe another fifty to work out how to go back in time to mend the fabric. Then we can decide if the fines need to be paid,' said the Prime Minister, noting that Russian donors might be back on the scene by then.

Alleged Islamic takeover of schools can't be worse than Gove?

One Birmingham teacher said: ‘The Education Secretary had me teaching the benefits of indentured servitude and creationism for beginners. His puritanical inspectors kept talking about facilitating subjects in greed, intolerance and EU-scepticism. At least if the Taliban takeover the curriculum, we can be sure Religious Studies is well taught.'

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