New Doctor Who 'too thin, or something' complain racists

Racists who have never actually seen Doctor Who are complaining that the new Doctor, Ncuti Gatwa, is far too thin to play the famous Time Lord.

'Primarily, I’m worried about his health, said William McCleod. 'I’ve never watched the show and have no interest in it whatsoever, but I’m led to believe there’s lots of running around and that. You need to be well nourished to play this role and I’m not sure his slim frame can handle it.

'If he can’t take the exertion required for the role, he would surely have to be replaced by a white, middle-aged, male with a Home Counties accent.'

Mr McLeod's associate was unable to refrain from adding, 'At least it’s not another girl.'

Treasury Reveals Crack Unit to Tackle Cost of Living Crisis.

Winner: jimskinz

Runners-Up: "Lib Dem / Conservative alliance back on as coalition manifesto published by top experts in their field" (SteveB); "It's never too early to start reading HMSO's "How to Survive on Your Old Age Pension"." (sydalg)

Britain to cripple Russia using management consultancy services

Britain has today clarified that it is going to weaken Putin's war effort, not by restricting the provision of UK management consultancy services to Russia, but by promoting them.

'We stand by our earlier statement, that doing business with Putin's Russia is morally bankrupt,' declared a Foreign Office spokesperson, 'but financially it is quite a different story. And that's what counts, obvs. Anyway, in the case of our world-beating management, accounting and PR sectors, that's nothing new. Given that their main purpose in life is to assault their clients with a barrage of Powerpoints and spreadsheets, while simultaneously sucking out all of the cash that their business needs to run and sacking all the lowest paid staff, we feel that they can play a valuable role in our economic punishment strategy.'

'Now is their finest hour' she added, 'better even than PFI, the financial crisis or COVID procurement.'

Meanwhile, the Kremlin is rumoured to be retaliating by launching a huge export drive for its dynamic cybersecurity and data analytics offer under the slogan 'we know what you're searching for'.