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Nigel Farage fears ‘rivers of congestion’





Alluding to Enoch Powell’s prophetic warning in 1968, the UKIP leader claimed that Britain’s waterways will soon be clogged up with east Europeans on barge holidays. He also spoke of his concern that all the first-class seats on public transport were now reserved for single mothers from Albania.


His spokesman went on to say: ‘Britain’s motorways are at a standstill due to migrants breeding beside the roads and then running out into traffic. Yes, they can be cute with their floppy ears and penchant for carrots, but they are a menace. These vermin must be eradicated…they…they…oh, hold on…I think we might be talking about rabbits’.


IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/boat-ship-vessel-water-transport-5948391/

Evil White Witch to annex England



The UN has received another shock today as it learnt from our correspondent, Mr Tumnus, that the Queen of Narnia claimes sovereignty over Albion.


A spokesperson experienced in dubious narratives confirmed, 'There has always been a corridor between the two kingdoms via a wardrobe in the dusty attic of a country house.'


'We have already detained the traitor Aslan and intend to put him on trial for aiding a number of children who entered Narnia without permission. Unfortunately, the spies 'Lucy' and 'Edmund' have evaded capture. Be assured, this is no fantasy.'


Liz Trussed-Up was unavailable for comment.



Original image from Pixabay by ImaArtist


Russia forced to adopt the Pink Pound


Much to the chagrin of President Putin, the Russian central bank has confirmed that it will be investing its capital reserves in leather trousers, tickets to Vegas and the albums of Kylie Minogue. The purchasing power of the gay community has long been established as much more stable than the heterosexual Rouble. Throughout the 70s Elton John was able to underwrite the entire British economy with just castoff sequins.


Mr Putin blamed outside factors for the falling Rouble; including effete Ukrainians and the US Dorothy dollar. A Kremlin spokesman said: ‘This is just a temporary measure, while the rouble continues to go down like a…like a…er, I can’t think of analogy that doesn’t sound like some form of cottaging. Look, for now, President Putin will just have to bite his pillow - tongue. TONGUE! I meant to say tongue.’



Image from Pixabay by 696188


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